Fallen Again

Its been a while since I have come on here. I regret this. But there have been many new changes in my life recently that I should probably update who ever seems to be following this blog. My life has once again been lost through the tubes. I have lost everything. Literally. Except this time, its worse. This time I have absolutely no one to help me turn around. No one to tell me everything is going to be okay. No one to hold me and comfort me in my time of despair, pain, and hopelessness. All my friends, are gone. They have all moved on. And why wouldn't they? We all move on in our lives. We all find something new and great that gets us headed in a different direction. I had this for a while, but then the last two weeks have just been filled with pain. Endless pain.

I can honestly say that for once I have no idea what to do, where to go, what to say or how to live. I have thought of ending my life soon, but what would my tattoo mean? It would have been for nothing. All that shit I went through after I got it. I have just let my life fall away into pieces, and decided to just let it slip away. And now I am paying for it. My parents are getting divorced, my mother is cheating on my father with a younger man, my father is having major healthy issues and almost went to the hospital yesterday morning, I have literally been abandoned by the people in my life who I thought would stay forever, my best friend who is like a sister to me is basically dieing, my grade in one class is suffering, my future seems to look more and more bleak every time I wake up every morning, and last but not least I am lonely and I have been heartbroken 3 times this week. All these feelings all this pain seems to never end. Just when I thought my life was picking up it drops again. But farther each time. The higher I seem to go the lower I seem to fall. Why? I do not deserve this. At all. Yes I have done somethings in my life that I deeply regret, but why am I paying for it now? I thought I already did. I have no idea why these things are happening to me.

My life is just spinning around and around. I was supposed to spend this holiday re-building myself but it doesn't seem to be very successful thus far. Tomorrow I am going to start working out again, and getting my diet and exercise regime back on track, so hopefully maybe everything will fall back into place. I am going to try my best to figure everything out. But as for now in this moment, this night, I feel hopeless and angry. I will find a way. Hopefully.

College=Highschool?

College has officially started. The day that all 18 year olds go out on their own and lead their own lives. They are so excited to finally get their wings and leave the nest! Who wouldn't be? Well yours truly. I was very excited about leaving for college. Meeting all the new people, being who i want to be and doing anything i want. i wanted to leave home so badly. But on the way here with my best friend in the car, i was shaking. My driving skills definitely suffered. I was nervous beyond belief. My nerves were shot and I just had uncontrollable breathing. It was so odd. i was confused as to why the hell I was dreading this day this moment, and how I could be so damn emotional when I am going to the best part of my life! Eventually I got over it. But then I was emotional as hell. I wanted to cry every moment that I had. Did I cry? no. I have tried to open up to a couple girls but then again i don't know how they think I am coming off as. What if they say holy crap she's really fucking depressing. i mean i would expect guys to be all over me or whatever, like everyone said! But no. they weren't. I have no clue why. i don't really care anymore to be honest. i was all depressed and it got me no where at all. Instead I am becoming the inevitable sidekick or the chick that just follows people around. And i hate that. I don't want to be that. i want to be the leader or at least a fucking equal. But i am so paranoid all the time with what people think of me and how they perceive me or will perceive me. I am so shallow as well, I am insulting my roommate who is a very good person at heart God bless her soul, but we just do not get along that well. We have nothing in common really. i am more laid back where as she has no filter and is very rambunctious and loud. I mean as far as guys hah. There are 2. One is in my advisor group and I think he liked me until he saw my tattoo... FUCK. Whatever he can just be a good friend hopefully. But then at this dance thing/ social event there was this black guy and a white guy. The white guy was HOT. He's not too tall either! I think he likes me. He was watching me dance all night and stuff. And he put his arm around me too haha. He makes fun of my quirks and silliness and stuff. But then again I don't know. haha. i mean I think that most freshman guys are looking for a piece of ass the first week or so, hopefully I am not that. Which i think is the reason why no one is really going for me. i guess the older guys will be better when they get here. Because they seem to have their heads put on right. But I am definitely joining a society. I feel so unpopular. It's like fucking high school! SO DUMB. I refuse to be the fucking geeky or antisocial chick who just follows people around. Maybe when I go to a party it will really kick off. Whatever. I mean I have a whole year ahead of me so we'll see what happens. 

Media-less Beautiful People

wow. Its been a while since I've blogged. Well basically i went to the Galapagos for 10 days. No internet, no TV, no phone. It was amazing. I was probably very relaxed because I didn't have to deal with the outside world. I have so much to update you on. When I went away I had friends already leaving to go off to college. When I came back I had people leaving. It was a little odd for me to process. Usually when friends leave you, you would get very emotional because there's a chance that you may never see them again. People change, people move on. Life happens. But for me, I didn't exactly care. Strange. I thought I would be a mess. There were so many question going through my mind. One of them being Will this hit me later? Will it all rush at me with a ball of emotion? To be honest, I hope not. But now as the time for the next chapter in my life soon begins, its all becoming a little surreal. It seems like its all going so slow, yet very fast. All the time has wasted away. I mean friends will come and go, but I am not upset that people that I considered "close"  friends are gone. In fact its more of a relief, yet at the same time I feel incredibly bored. I was so used to living this life with friends that I didn't really connect with, that I was bored. I lied to so many of them to make myself appear better than them. So really they weren't exactly real friends. I only have one real friend, but I seemed to lie to her as well. So when I look back at everything I stop and think, Did I really have an honest relationship with anyone other than my family? It's heart breaking but I don't think I have. I have to say I am so scared that when college comes around and I start making friends, will I do the same thing? If so then what? Luckily with my roommate I haven't lied to her at all. Maybe this is the start of me becoming a better person and finally having an honest relationship. For people to like me as I am and not who I hope I am, or who I wish I was. 

I see all these pictures from various past friends of how their lives in college have already started out as. I see them making all these friends. I see them all happy. And I hope inside that I am that way. That I finally meet that guy. That I make friends with beautiful people inside and out. As shallow as I may sound, I want to meet that amazingly hot guy and finally have the pretty girl and the cute boy be together. I don't want to settle for less just because I am so lonely, or so desperate for friendships. I see these girls with friends who are amazingly good-looking. And sometimes I wonder, why didn't that happen to me? Is it because God decided to curse me with the average life because I lied all the time? I secretly hope I live the good life for once. But then again who's to say that i wont... I have no idea what I am saying. But basically I have all these fears and doubts inside all the time about what college will or will not be like. Expectations? I don't know if they are? Is it because the media puts college to be this place where everyone looks perfect and people are always partying? I don't know. I am frustrated, scared, excited, nervous, and all these preconceived notions of what it may be like are getting to me. LEarn from my odd thought process and even though I will be sounding completely hypocritical, don't expect anything. Just live in the moment and go with the flow with whatever life throws at you. 

Forgetting Isn't Meant to Be.

So I actually neglected my Blog for a VERY VERY long time. I know its sad. I have just become very busy. Nothing severely interesting has happened really. I mean I have finally gotten over my best friend. About damn time if you ask anyone close to me. I have finally gotten over my dreaded bikini fear. I think I am in the best shape that I have ever been in my entire life. My endurance and such are incredible. My health is getting way better which is great. And oh that oh so horrible love situation. Well, I guess I will share this tid bit then. I met this guy when I was 13 at my cousins 13th birthday party. His name is Joe. He was there for me basically to pick me up, after I was rejected by a very very cute guy. He made sure that I was having fun and such. Well I saw him a year ago during my grandparents anniversary party. He turned absolutely gorgeous. I mean we never kept in touch really. So seeing him was interesting. He ended up going for my sister, this made me rather angry mostly because we had a thing a while ago. Did I except him to remember, eh not really. But it would have been great if he did. Apparently I was too old for him because I was turning 18 soon. Well I saw him last weekend and well, it was painful. I was nervous I was thinking a million things at once wondering if he remembers me still, what he thinks of me now after losing a lot of weight things to that extent. But when my aunt said to him, "Have you met my niece? " he simply said and looked at my coldly, "Ya I think I remember you." Ouch. You only almost dated my sister you pervert. This boy was gorgeous. So I decided to maybe go for him. Yes I am going to college soon so what's the point right? He's going all the way to Arizona and I am staying in California. It would be dumb to start anything. Usually I am used to men flirting with me and such, (well thats what other people observe) But now that I have some sort of confidence level I was expecting him to do something. But he barely talked to me. If he did talk to me it was either indirectly or just a quick phrase. Stupid. You think to yourself, what the hell is wrong with me?? I mean there could be nothing wrong with me, at all. Then he came back to my cousins house where I was staying the night, and he kept showing off in front of me. I mean come one! The guy was trying to do something. As to what I have no idea. I mean he gave me this glance at one point in the night that was very seductive. Then about a week later I was in San Diego with some girl friends, drinking and such, and I started drunk texting my cousin Rob who is best friends with Joe. And Apparently, Joe and I have both had troubling pasts abd we both had drug addiction. Essentially we were the same person. I mean I as like YES maybe there is something between us. Maybe something is supposed to happen to us. But then again who knows. So when I went to my cousins place the next weekend I was expecting Joe to be there. I was expecting something for my cousin to follow through on. But nothing. And when Rob asked Joe if he remembers me he said that he has a bad memory. And when Rob asked him what he thought of me he said "I think that she's your cousin." I mean is that confusing or what?? Then LAst night I get a text from Rob saying, Joe is here at my house. I was severely confused. what the hell is that supposed to mean. Odd. I mean I get attached to people I barely even know. I hate it. Its dumb, its setting my up for disappointment, and it makes me upset and doubt myself. I hate being self conscious. I mean my self confidence was shattered the last week. it was hard. I am slowly trying to pick up the pieces I have left before I go to college. I was really struggling. I felt alone again. I felt distant

and antisocial, sound familiar? Yes I had depression again. DEar Lord it never ceases it seems. I hate it. I seem to be okay when there are other people around me. But then When I am by myself I fall to pieces. And sometimes I fall to pieces inside my head even when people are around. It sucks to be honest. I really do not like it. But what can you do right? But try and distract yourself as much as possible. no matter who or what you try and get over, it all takes time. There is no magic spell, or vitamin, or medication, or hypnotist that can make you forget about people. We meet these people for a reason. We either have futures with these people or not for a reason, why? Because whatever is meant to me will always workout, and will be... easy. EAsier said than done though. 

Self Love.

Self Love. Something that very many people have yet to discover, including me. Once you love yourself, people will start to love you. I always used to think that others needed to see me as a certain way, for example beautiful, in order to see myself that way. But we shouldn't live our lives for others. We should do the things we do for ourselves. It's okay to be selfish every now and then. In fact when it comes to the way you see yourself you need to be selfish. You have to make sure that you know that you are great, that you are beautiful, and talented, and amazing. If you don't see yourself that way then no one else will see you this way. i found something on the internet. 7 days to self love. They are a list of ways to improve the way you see yourself. When you work out don;t do it to shut up your spouse because they are calling you fat. Don;t do it because you want to look better than that anorexic model you live next to. do it because when you look in the mirror every morning you feel good about yourself and you know in your heart that you are beautiful inside and out. Quit smoking for yourself. Stop drinking for yourself. Go out and look good for yourself. Put on make up for yourself, not to impress guys but to show yourself just how good you can look. I mean I haven't exactly practiced self love in a while. But for the next 7 days I will be doing this 7 day self love trial on this website:http://www.yogaprasad.in/blog/7-days-to-self-love/#more-406 and I will be blogging about how I feel about myself each day and if it works. But I wont stop the 7 day trial of self love, no I will continue it. I'll just be blogging about it. I also will be blogging about meditation and how much better I feel about myself afterwards. I feel anxious all the time, I am constantly worried or paranoid about what people think about me or perceive me. So for the next 7 days get ready to love yourself! 

Hypocritical crankiness

Wow its been a while since I've been on here. But life got in the way of that. Well my insomnia may be back which sucks. I am a hopelessly devoted person to a best friend who hasn't exactly been there for me. I mean what is a best friend? Really? It's someone who is always there for you right? Do I have that right now? no I do not. But quite honestly the lack of sleep that I have gotten because I saw the Harry Potter premiere at 12 am, and then ti-pied a persons house and then stayed up for 35 hours, has made me realize some things. Weird huh. The people who we sometimes think are so close to us and mean a great deal to us, really may not be that at all. We all want to feel loved, wanted, secure, and accepted. But when does that acceptance go to far? I'll tell you. When you have attached yourself to someone who you can open up to and understands you, you want to assume that they are suddenly someone you can trust and someone who is your friend. The more you open up to them and the more you talk to them and help them through their issues they close you get. The more this happens and the more you can relate to each other the deeper and more intimate your relationship becomes until you are established as best friends. However there are people who use this same routine and get you close to them but then abandon you and stop talk to you immediately. These people are users. Then there are the hypocritical people. Who tell you how much you mean to them etc. but then act a completely different way like ignoring you, your texts, or just don't even check up on you when you haven't spoken in a while. 

i have both issues but my bigger issue is the one with the hypocrite. I have officially gone numb. Do I hate my entire life? No. Do I hate a few parts right now? Yes. We all have something going on in our lives. And for some odd reason it's take me lack of sleep and watching big brother episodes online for me to realize how messed I am inside mentally right now. And I need someone to talk to about it. I need to get out how I feel right now. I feel like a screaming person inside me is on mute so that no one can hear it. My inner screams are loud. There's so much I want to say but no opportunity to get them the hell out. And I am trying to get them out so I can be as happy as I can possibly be. I am very frustrated and agitated. At a certain point you feel like breaking apart and hitting someone. I feel soo irritable that I want to hurt someone's feelings. But that would be horrible of course. I think that I should probably sleep now. A part of me wants these feelings of lack of in my case to go away but another part for it to stay so I can crack it open and deal with them. All I need is a friend. An honest friend who will actually listen to me, say things to me and mean them, do what they say they're going to do, and who will pick me up when I am down. I haven't found that yet. But I hope I do fairly soon before I lose my cool. 

Real friends don't cause Hot-Flashes

The day is over now. I have so many questions still unanswered. Still searching. Do we ever really stop searching? I spent the day with the man that I have hopelessly been in love with for the past two years. It was awkward, fun, nerve wracking, and breathtaking. I was supposed to go in having a plan, but as soon as I saw him i was dizzy, i was sweating, I got hot-flashes, I was nervous, I couldn't even think. We got lunch and sat down to talk, but my plan simply disintegrated within seconds of talking to him. What's going on? I asked myself. Why aren't you the smooth talker that you usually are? Where are all your usual witty and comical remarks? They vanished. I was stripped bare almost. I simply spoke whatever was in my mind I had no filter. What ever question or quirky remark I would usually say in my head I blurted out. What the hell?! I was supposed to tell him how much it hurt me that I had attempted to connect with him about a month ago twice and he decided not to respond at all in any way what so ever. Oh but no, i fell for his gorgeous blue eyes and his stupid charisma. I saw him today and I told him I was great that I am just fine, that my life is picking up. When the truth is, I have never felt so damn empty in my entire life. Yes high school is over, woohoo, and yes I am going to be going to college pretty soon and my life is going to be great. But I haven't exactly told anyone how I feel right now or what I've been trying to deal with for the last month. It's all  locked inside my safe. The one that no one can seem to crack in real life. It's fricking necessary for me to open up to someone at this point. I've been emotionless with this huge ass facade on my face telling and showing the world just how okay I am, when I'm not. I mean thinking now as to why I'm upset I can't exactly think of all these things but only how they make me feel and how i feel and all these things I've discovered. Today I was stranded at his house with no ride home. I had to ask for a ride home from my trainer who comes to my home to train me/ is my psychologist from time to time. None of my other friends wanted to. It wasn't important enough for them to listen to me. Where as if I had suddenly been abducted and beaten and was left on the side of the road, then yes all of them would have responded, "yes omg where are you? Are you okay?" I realized that I have no real friends. thats fucking sad. Yes I have cussed for the first time on this blog. But you know what this is ridiculous. Your real friends will be there no matter what for you. Your real friends will be there for yo no matter what. Your real friends would at least make some damn effort to make sure your okay. Even trying would be good! Even calling to make sure you still have a ride would be great! So do me a favor everyone, think very very hard, and ask yourself Would any of my friends that I have now do any of the above things for me? If not, then I suggest you start letting go of some excess weight. 

Women over analyze everything!

I almost started another diary, but then I realize that my blog is basically my diary. Today was one of those days where you come to several different realizations. I went to go see the movie The Proposal with one of my very good friends. It was my second time seeing this movie but I lied to her saying that it was my first. Anyways thats not the point, but we were talking today on our way to the movie of tomorrow and how many different possibilities it could bring. I mean even she thought that it was weird that Vick wanted to meet up and talk after I sent him two facebook messages when he didn't respond to those and when we haven't even had any other form of communication for the last month. She said, "What the hell could the a** want?!" I could see she felt my same curiosity. I mean when you ask the Universe to give you a sign of what he could possibly want to talk about and they send you not one love song but two saying how a man wants to profess his love for a girl, thats a little more than a coincidence don't ya think? I mean I can logically make many different reasons why it can't be that, but a part of me wants this to happen. It's weird if I were to picture myself with him 3 months ago I could. But now for some odd reason I cannot. why? I have no idea. Most people just take the sings they're given and work with them and get on with their lives. As for me, I seem to over analyze everything and I mean everything. There's not one thing that I dont over guess or look at over and over again. I mean if he finally tells me that he loves me I will be so incredibly happym but then I think why would he tell me that? Wouldn't he think that it would ruin our friendship? Why would he tell me if he's going all the way to DC for college? Why now? Am I a rebound? Or is it going to be nothing at all to do with love but something completely different? I don't know. I'm confused, anxious, worried, and yet some what excited. My friend told me to go into tomorrow's talk neutral. Which is smart so then I'm not expecting anything. Everything he does though is odd. And as soon as you assume its one thing, he'll tell you its something completely different and that you were wrong. I mean he could be just lying and protecting himself from being completely vulnerable. I can go on explaining and exploring everything that I think could happen tomorrow, but the truth is I have no idea, you have no idea, no one knows. Everything happens for a reason. So what ever happens tomorrow will happen, is there anything I can really do at this point? No. All I have to do is go on with my life right now, do what I am doing now in this moment, and then tomorrow when I see him then I can have these thoughts, but as for now all I can do is be patient and live in the moment.  

Tiramisu food baby

Off to LA again for the millionth time. It used to be so exciting to go to Beverly Hills, but as soon as you start going every week, it gets so mundane. I look around the streets and see all these fake people, and on every corner there's a surgical lift office with fish-faced and Dolly Parton breasted women walking out. Everyone seems to look the same here. Why do I go there every week? Well because my pediatrician lives there and he's the only doctor who seems to know what the hell he's doing. Instead of prescribing me antidepressants for robots, he gives me herbs! Hey what an idea, NOT drugging teenagers with prozac! Who would have thought. I have to say although Beverly Hills seems to be "Plastic City" Their food is amazing. I had the most AMAZING tiramisu I have ever had at this place called Prego. it was to-die-for. Every bite was like an orgasm in my mouth. There's this other place their called The Crustacean, that place is amazing too! Their Garlic noodles, yummy. I ate so much food at that restaurant that I walked out feeling like I had eaten for two. I had what we call a food baby. This is where you eat so much that your stomach protrudes outwards. All I can say is thank god for the high-waisted pants I was wearing today. It took 3 hours for me to feel semi-normal again. 

This week is going to be rather interesting. I will be spending some time with many old friends that I have not seen in a very long time. Wednesday will be awesome, Thursday who fucking knows at this point. I am so nervous about that day that when ever I think about it my  heart beats faster and faster. Friday a godsend because I finally get to go on a date after the longest time! Unfortunately its with a horrible guy, who lets hope has gotten his act together. Saturday my Dad or  Satan will be gone! He's going to Vegas with the very good looking Austrian Hunk he works with. Sunday will be a day to myself to unwind and just think and of course get some things done like oh.. Placement tests which are due pretty damn soon. The possibilities for this upcoming week are endless, so lets see what happens shall we? 

Miracles, "we need to talk", and decisions.

Well last night was interesting. You know how when you are desperately seeking a miracle and you seem to fold your hands, look up, and just start praying out of desperation? Well I did that exact same thing. I was searching for some sort of sign that Vick actually cared about me. I begged and pleaded that some sort of sense would come into his mind telling him that his friend was in need of help. About 2 minutes later, I got a text. It was him. I was in such a sense of confusion, shock, and happiness. My heart couldn't have been beating any faster otherwise I would probably have a heart attack. he said that we have to meet up this week to talk. Huh? All I said to him before was, how are you.. and I got a "wee need to talk" message. Thank God we aren't together or I would probably be very scared. I mean friends don't really break-up.. or do they? Who knows. I am nervous about this meeting. I mean it could go several different ways. It could either be a friendly conversation of how he's going to miss me, a conversation about how much I seem to complain about my life to him, It could be the I broke up with my girl friend and I'm very upset. I mean soooo many possibilities. I shouldn't have texted him twice in a row just now. You that rule where if you text a guy u have to wait for him to text u back after your response, so its you then him, you then him etc. Well I mean I had to because I have plans and I need to know when he's planning on talking. I have no idea why I just put that in this post. haha. As you can tell, I am a very over-analytical person. But if i wasn't like this then I would definitely not be a woman. And now I await his text. The worst part. For him it could either be 2 min from now, or 2 hours or even 2 days from now. 

You know how when a guy asks for your number and then you wait for forever for him to call you... and you just keep staring at your phone impatiently every 5 seconds. You don't want o turn off your phone either just in case. Well the old me would be obsessive like that. But I guess since I am changing day by day I should just let it go. Let what ever happens, happen. Ripping off the band aid fast instead of super slow. My friends are all telling me not to fall into a trap of feeling bad for him because he's upset, and that I should really open up and let him have it of what he's put me through this week. But agreeing that you'll do it and actually doing it after I've stared into his blue eyes, is two very different things. Lets hope I do the right thing instead of what's easy. 

The Never Ending Day

Have you ever had one of those days where it feels like it lasts forever? Today was one of those days. I had only 4 hours of sleep, had training in the morning, and then after that nothing. Nothing at all. Its strange not doing anything. I wanted to do something but at the same time not go anywhere. I just wanted to watch TV all day, and sit on my ass and just do nothing. I didn't feel empty i just felt in the moment almost. It was the calm before the storm. Because while I was watching the movie No Reservations I seemed to burst into a river of tears. I just broke down. I guess putting up that facade for the last 2 months started to crack on the surface. I just screamed out everything I was feeling and thinking. It was liberating actually. Thankfully I was home by myself. I started thinking about all these things that I need to let go of, especially one, The best friend. If someone cared about you they would be there for you. Right? I went on a rant of how much he means to me and how disappointed I am in him. Well i tried to let this go after all the snot and tears. Then soon after that I didn't know what else to do. I just sat around, hoping, wishing, and waiting that some miracle would happen. Something, anything. But there was nothing. No text from him. Was a disappointed? yes. Anyone would be at this point. Once you wait for someone to do something and they do nothing its a major let down. Eventually I returned to my facade. I have one for every occasion. Today it was an emotionless one. Then I decided to be somewhat productive and make a list of things I need to get done right away. While doing that I decided to text some people because I was bored. I texted my best girlfriend, Jennie, a guy who i should be texting, The player, and The best friend. 

Oh the player. I grew up with this boy. He had a crush on me since we laid eyes on each other. Love at first sight? no. I've been looking for love since I started pre-school. No joke. This one time I had this ring my mom go time for my birthday, and I had a crush on one of the boys that I went up to him and told him that if he was my boyfriend he could have the ring. He took the ring, but then gave it to this other girl named Sydney. I don't remember his name but I do remember hers. This constant rejection seemed to be a reoccurring incident. Rejection I have never taken well. But I've just learned to cope with it a lot better. Anyways The player, well he's slept with almost every girl he's ever met. He had a troubling childhood. Mother an abusive, home-wrecking alcoholic that cheated on their father. And he, well he went to Juvi for a while, was in a military school, tried to rape a babysitter, and did some various drugs. I haven't talked to him for at least a year. So i decided that in order to get over my best friend I need to go out with this "bad boy." Will it work? who knows. Then my best friend who I will name Vic for the sake of anonymity, i texted him a while ago, almost an hour ago actually. He hasn't responded. Why don't I just call him? No, not a good idea because I'll seem like a desperate girl seeking attention. Yes i do overanalyze everything, but I'm a woman and thats what we do. 

My friend Eugene told me just now that I can do better. That a man like this in my life is simply holding me back from everything I could be doing, sound familiar? But how do I move on if I have no closure? No explanation as to why he just decided to stop talking to me. Who knows. But for now all I can do is just keep moving forward. No more steps backward. When in doubt, confusion, or frustration move forward! 

Paranoid Parents, Fireworks, and European hunks.

Fourth of July, is it me or does this holiday seem to be a bit redundant every single year. The carnivals, the food, the fireworks, and all those colors red white and blue. Today i woke up rather early. I mean when I woke up I didn't exactly think, oh its the fourth of july partaay! Ya not so much. Instead it was like any other day with the exception of a guest coming over. He is one HOT european man. I have one of those girl crushes on this man. I mean he's 37, a little out of my league don't u think ;) a 19 year age difference, he could be old enough to be my father. Anyways, his accent, he's tall, blonde, and oh yes those blue eyes... or maybe green. Haha. Well usually I don't doll up completely on this day, but today I did. Why? That damn girl crush... okay and well I am a bit desperate seeing as how I have absolutely no one in my life at the moment. If there's a cute guy coming over to your house, and your single, and you are incredibly lonely, wouldn't you get some-what dressed up? It may just be me. Anyways, he practically lives in our house now that he's come here to work for my father ( i mean satan, he's actually listed this in my phone book.) so he comes here all the time. My parents and some of the few friends he's made so far have been trying to set him up with women, my own mother even said, "If he was 10 years younger, I would set you up with him." ..... Thanks mom. I feel even better now. Anyways, today I took the day off from working out, I went down to this fair, I let my tattoo show off so it was interesting to see how people reacted to this, but that interest soon dicipated after I realized about 60% of the people there had tattoos as well. It was HOT outside let me tell you. Not one of those hot hawaiian breezes coming through, oh no, more like hot, sticky, sweaty, and just ugh nasty. But I prevailed in my summer dress and short hair. If I had long hair I would die in the heat. Then we awaited the damn fireworks to start, ate some food( or if its at my home ALOT of food because my mother just doesn't know when to stop, its like a drug addiction for her, except she cooks.) , listened to music, Oh and how could I forget nothing like saying happy fourth of july to the movie Taken. We went from upbeat day to I am now paranoid as shit to travel anywhere alone with a good looking girl friend. My father is paranoid, he got mad at me for telling some professional MMA fighter what college I am going to......? The sense in that one, no idea. Not enough that he's making me practice what he calls "Street fighting" before I go on a 3 DAY vacation with 3 other girl friends, to San Diego which is a whopping 1 HOUR away. No not 400,000 miles. 1 hour. just one. driving distance. I have no idea. Anyways. I am exhausted, and I have growing pains in my legs. Goodnight!

To love or not to love

I have neglected my blog for 2 days :[ but thats okay not like anyones really following this at the moment hah. Well for the past two day I've been in a way better mood. I mean usually I am wallowing in my endless unhappiness, and pigging out on Ben and Jerry's and watching chick flicks. But I decided, where is that going to get me? feeling bad for myself isn't going to get me anywhere but make me feel even worse. So I decided to work through everything. Since I have been working out the last month I've felt way better about myself. I mean everyone says workout and you'll feel happier blah blah blah. Me not so much. But its been helping me. I would highly suggest it. I even have an alarm clock that says" Workout: if you're thinking about sleeping in, DONT" And it helps. 

But anyways, you know how when you feel like you have SO much on your mind, but no one to tell? Thats been me for a while now. See i have this best friend of mine. We have known each other since 7th grade. But we never really knew each other. So one day junior year I sent him and accidental IM that consisted of some very personal matters, aka my life story. Usually I don't tell anyone about it. ( this is a blog and I am completely anonymous so therefore sharing it is fine.) And he found out many things about me. From then on is when we because best friends. He had opened up to me as well that same night. Now i have been in love with my best friend for a while now. I attached myself to him because he knew me very well and was always there for me through almost everything I've been through. You may say, well why is this a problem? Its a problem, or well it was a problem because he had a girlfriend. Yes I made that stupid mistake of falling for the guy who was taken. It has been the hardest thing in my life to get over. Odd isn't it? I some how thought that maybe one day, he would realize how much more I have been there for him. That someday he would feel the same way. Turns out I was wrong. Those very hopes and dreams being crushed got me to realize something called reality. Some people slowly come to this "awakening" However me, well it smacked me right in the face like a bug on a windshield. 

My feelings for this boy was stupid. Because not only was I miserable it had held me back from so many things I could have done. Ladies, if you are reading this DO NOT let this happen to you. The fact that a stupid boy got in my way of living my life is dumb. If he's unavailable... HE'S UNAVAILABLE. Got it? I hope so. Anyways, he recently broke up with his girlfriend because he's going to college on the east coast, and they would be far apart. And me, well I still haven't quite gotten over him. But I'm getting there. I think that because I am making a point to get over him its helping me in the long run. I've been able to flirt with men and talk to cute guys because I decided to live my life. A complete 180 of how I've been living it before. No the story does not end here unfortunately. You know how usually when you ask someone for help, guidance, or support they give it to you especially if they're a best friend. Well I was suffering a lot the beginning of the summer and I decided to ask my best friend (the boy) for help. Did he respond, no. Then I thought well maybe he's busy. Then 3 weeks go by and I send him another one saying please i need someone to talk to. Of course nothing. How did I feel? Pissed! Because its confusing. When you are there for someone all the time when they need you, why would they just randomly abandon you? I don't understand. He's broken up with his girlfriend, he has a life now so there's really no more excuses as to why he cant be there for me. Yes I know what you're thinking, maybe I', just so desperate for his attention because I'm still in love with him. But thats not the case. He is someone who I have always depended on, and he's gone. Its like he's decided to disappear on me. I mean he was on vacation for a while, but the least the VERY lease he could do was send me a god damn text. Right? I mean let me know if I'm going insane or something. But I'm pretty sure best friends are usually there for yo no matter what. And today I saw him online, and usually if we've gone this long without talk to each other he would call or text or IM me. But oh no. He didn't message me once to ask me how I am, or if everything was okay. So I guess its safe to say, maybe I should just let go completely of this jerk. Maybe, but is love to strong of a feeling to let go of? I don't know. We'll see what happens the rest of the day. Will he open his eyes? Who knows. 

A jolt of creativity & happiness

Today,while procrastinating for my college placement tests, I was reading a book of quotes a friend gave me for my birthday, and I found this one,

 

« You do not need to leave your room…

Remain sitting at your table and listen.

Do not even listen, simply wait.

Do not even wait, be quite still and solitary.

The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice.

It will roll in ecstasy at your feet. »

 

- FRANZ KAFKA (1883-1924)

 

So what do you think I did ? I rushed downstairs, made some cookies, and drank some milk. But after my procrastination of my procrastinating, I went up to my room, got out paper, pen, and I sat, and listened. Well, more like, waited. No.

I sat. in quite solitude.

 

I let my thoughts float out onto the paper as they came.

If you are a singer, I think you will understand, and hopefully appreciate my words

 

…..I’m not saying what came out was good, bad, insigthful, meaningless, whatever, it just is what it is, so… here’s what happened…

 

How can I look for something I’ve never seen before ? How can I know something I’ve never felt ? Or…have i felt it?

I geuss you know it, because… you know it.

But, I have this…thing, in my spirit. An incling.

I keep going back to my internal 8-ball and uncovered from the blue liquid are the words-

« It is certain. »

 

Total focus. What is total focus? That state, that higher plane, naturally created by the minds endorphins, without the help of outside hallucinogens or circumstances.

That full feeling.

The deep sleep…or is it the deep awake ? Not taken backward from reality, from normal experience, but pushed deeper into it. To experience it with an extra sense. What your eyes take in, what your lungs, hot air, lips vibrate out. What your nerves and energy can feel, but also a sense of your spirit, of your abstract thoughts becoming tangible, solid, no, liquid, and touching the edge of everything.

 

I want to find this place. I think I found it once before…singing.

I was totally submerged in the depths of experience. Of focus. Bathing in it. But not needing to sink, no, float up to the surface for breaths of useless brain thinks like worry, past, or future.

When I found it, or when it found me, this is what I felt-

 

I feel the hot breath move through my throat organ , and the vibrations move from that place through my lips and face, then I feel the final product- sound

Fill my ears and back into my thoughts,

experiencing them simultaneously- double orgasm

than the emotion wells, springs from my soul, and fills in the colour

my black white contrast notes, are drenched in POP, dripping colors,

jewel tones, peach, green, violet, purple, red, indigo.

 

And every human has one, An instrument. Not barcoded and mass produced like a violen or a trumpet, but hand-made by the divine to fit your soul

Totally unique in the universe.

And anywhre you are, in the ocean, on top of a mountian, in the depths of a forest, on another fucking planet, you can play it.

It follows you wherever your soul goes.

 

Life is beautiful

It is BEAUTIFUL

 

-well, that’s all I feel like typing, and probably more than you feel like reading, haha : >

so goodnight.

Baby Steps..

Moving forward one step at a time. On any other normal day I would be depressed and groggy and would wallow in self pity. I mean there are those days where I have an amazing amount of fun, going to disney land, going to a party or hanging out with friends. I have to admit my summer started off on a weak start for a senior about to go into college. But These past two days I have managed to turn it completely around. I started off with working out everyday. I=By doing this i hoped to get those awesome endorphins and such. But nope nothing. I was simply some emotionless robot on autopilot just trying to go day to day without falling apart. I mean I haven't exactly grieved over anything that has happened in my life. Thats obviously not healthy. Kind of like constipation, but emotionally. This reminded me of that movie Running with scissors where one of the characters said that she just felt stuck. Thats how I felt the first 3 weeks of summer. I mean I was losing weight, toning up and getting better physical endurance but I didn't feel any better. But recently I've decided to just let go. To forget my past because its my past. To somehow use it to make other peoples' lives way better. I mean I have no followers right now. But someone will connect to this... hopefully hah. 

So yes I am moving forward, because where else do you go? You cant be in "park" your entire life while the rest of the people around you are in "drive" and getting to where they want to be in life. If your stopped, life doesn't stop with you it keeps going. So i said screw the self pitying and of how much my life sucks etc. My life will get better. I have so much more in life awaiting me so why not get back up on my two feet start the damn engine and put this car of mine in drive, because who knows what lies ahead. 

Today I went to this college social gathering where there were many other freshman in California meeting. i was so nervous. I tried various ways to calm myself down such as: meditation, music, and exercising. These were all simply temporary. As soon as I got into my car my nerves went through the roof. As I walked through the 92 degree weather outside, I saw some girls who were about my age. We talked and got to know each other it was one of those random "hey lets get to know each other because we are both lost." Lets face it, those friendships never last. You only do that because you feel lonely and lost and need someone to talk to because you are lost too. But it got better. I met a couple more people when I got into this hall place.. with air conditioning! When I walked in I was on autopilot. I was lost inside my head, almost self narrating what I need to do next. I was like a little kid who was lost in some sort theme park where these people with purple shirts and name tags escorted me to this table full of pens and clipboards. As I awoke from this zombie like state I noticed that all the girl there looked... normal. You now how usually you have this perception of how college girls look? Well these girl looked real. Not like the show Greek where every girl has a perfect body, hair, clothing, teeth, etc. I felt comfortable very fast. I mean I'm not cocky or arrogant, obviously because I have had major self image issues. But I felt better about myself all of a sudden. I felt.. pretty. I looked around me and I noticed, wait a second I'm better looking than every girl here. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to be mean. I was just in shock almost. But then those self doubts kicked in again. Until I saw him. A very familiar face. 

i had toured the school a month ago, and I saw this tall, lanky but not too skinny, redheaded, blue-eyed boy. I thought that he was dreamy. In fact I thought that I was n something to be seeing someone that good looking. But the fact that I saw him again, was amazing. He came up to me and the 3 other girls I was around and my mother and introduced himself to me and my friends. My first comment was "Wow you're really tall." Where that came from who knows. When I'm nervous I have no filter. He gave me a sort of confused look and then smiled. And I attempted to explain myself but then I just stopped haha. Like every girl does at a moment like that. And he told me that I looked familiar. And I'm thinking, how does he remember me? Why does he keep looking at me for? Is there something on my face? What is he even talking about? But then he left, and he stared right at me, and told me that if I had any questions to ask him. I don't remember his name mind you but hey I'll definitely see him again :] 

As my adventure continued I met this other boy in the bookstore at the college in line. Turns out we were both rival schools. He playfully said to me " We cant be friends anymore" I think it'll be funny because I have a feeling we are going to become best friends. The two rivals. haha. I mean he wasn't drop dead gorgeous but there was something genuine about him. I wasn't too nervous around him either. So friends it is. Who knows. When I got into the car and made my way back home I had a huge smile on my face because, here is the girl who was never popular in high school, the girl who no one asked out. The wallflower. And after that experience, I'm going to absolutely LOVE college. I just watched true blood by the way.. ITS AMAZING. I'm exhausted and its only 7:30. Now I have to go find something to do... 

Where it all began

A blog, something that i am not familiar with in the least bit. I was told today that I should start a blog, so i decided hey why not, what have I got to lose right? And here I am and 18 year old girl wondering what to write. Lets start from the beginning. I was born in Irvine, California. I started off as a happy go lucky girl, with a bright smile and a love for anything creative. Straight A student through out elementary school( but lets face it, thats when none of your education even counts) Then middle school is when it took a turn for the worse. And my parents were scared, like any other parent would be when your child starts listening to Marilyn Manson at age 12. And started to go through that inevitable "dark stage" of life. my closet was black, no color anywhere. My CDs consisted of band such as Garbage, Nirvana, Marilyn Manson, and Korn.  Why? How? When? all questions my parents decided to ask the various psychologists and doctors. This is where it all began. 

I was raped as a child. Of course, when you're 8 years old you have no clue what is going on. I had severe depression, mono, and hallucinations. I thought I could see ghosts or "dead people." When I was 13 these tendencies worsened. I attempted suicide. But of course I didn't succeed or how else would I be writing all this. My grandmother found me. Not the most ideal situation. Eventually I was put on antidepressants and became better I was happy again my life picked back up. Then I started high school. and everything changed. I realized many things. I wanted to "fit in" so I then started to life to various girls about how "charmed" my life was. Reality was, my father was abusing me at home verbally and physically from time to time, but mostly verbally. I was a damaged child, trying to make up many ways of how much better my life was. I wanted attention because of the lack of attention I got at home. I mean what 15 year old doesn't seek for attention because of a lack of self confidence blah blah blah. Then my self confidence was picked up when I met a boy, one who severely changed the way I looked at myself. I felt loved, for the first time in my life. It was overwhelming. I was happy all the time, something that I wasn't familiar with in any way. I was turning 16 in a month. things were picking up dramatically. I was changing. My life felt better. I wanted to wake up every morning. I suddenly had a reason to go to school. But at my 16th birthday party it fell apart again. He announced to everyone that he was my boyfriend and said that he loved me. Now normally this would be ideal for a girl at this age. But, because I am Indian (India), my community saw me suddenly as a "slut" or "loose" My family was shocked that I even had one to begin with. I was devastated because this meant that I had to dump him. 

Then that summer before my junior year of high school, I went to Cambridge, England. I took some courses there, made a lot of friends, and of course drank. It was something of a release for me. I felt so much pain. Alcohol was my way of coping. All these people around me showed me what it was like to be free, without parents who fought everyday, without a father who I could never please, away from all the pain at home. I loved every moment of it. it lasted a month. Then it was back home. i was a different person. More confident, happy, and carefree. But my habit in England carried on with me. I became an alcoholic. I started combining the alcohol with sleeping pills and my old antidepressants. And once those ran out I had no other way to cope. One of my best friends who lived near me wold always help me through every situation that i had been going through at home. I hated being at home. Home was hell to me. To a normal on-looker, you could say my life is amazing because I have all the material needs in my life. A mac for a computer, nice cars, nice clothes etc. But all these materials cant compensate for all the pain I feel. All the addictions I have, all the horrible things that have happened. They judge me by my dad's credit card not by the fact that he is an alcoholic. He understood me. One day I went over to his house, and I found him, dead. Blood everywhere. He had slit his wrists. I was in shock. I started many drugs. Heroine, Coke, Weed, smoking, and yes more booze. My parents didn't know anything about this. They still don't to this day. I hid everything from them very well. I started to lose weight without trying, then i gained weight without trying. I was a mess. 

I needed help. So I went to a friend. A boy who I went to school with for a while but never talked to. It took one accidental Instant Message to him. And our friendship began. I sent him something I meant to send to my cousin. telling him the entirety of my life and habits. He was shocked. How does a 16 year old boy even react to that. But I quit all these things on my own. One of my friends helped me through it. I was returning to normalcy. I started talking to this boy and because I developed a crush for him I felt attached to him. But then I discovered that he had a girl friend. Basically I've been in love with my best friend for 2 years now. This story will be explained later. But I guess I should wrap this up. My fingers are hurting. Throughout my junior year i had to get over drug addictions and mental problems. I then discovered that I had a step brother. That no one told me about. He was there for me through everything. I had decided to go and live with him and runaway from my home. All the pain. It was planned for june 13th 2008. But Prom night I found out that he had killed himself. No clue as to why. He had a wife, so I was going to go stay with her. So I waited with my bags at the door looking for her car. Looking for any sign, checked my phone. 3 hours late. Traffic? No. Turns out an emergency came up. I didn't hear from her for 2 months. I didn't know what to do. I was so close to an escape. To some sort of out. But I was left all alone. Again. Then because I was so depressed I developed agoraphobia. A fear of going outside. I had many different panic attacks. I had no clue how to deal with ALL of this pain. So my mother finally noticed that there was something wrong with me. So I got help. 

Came back senior year, a new me. I felt better. I was applying to colleges and such and well senior year seemed to go by pretty damn quick. The beginning of senior year was great. But then I lost yet another friend, my step brothers wife died in a car accident, my parents relationship was falling apart, my father went to jail for hitting my mother, rumors were spread about me at school that I was a liar about my entire life all because I told one girl who opened her mouth, I am still in love with my best friend, my panic attacks came back so I started smoking again, and my mother has lupus. All these things have happened. But I quickly have turned around and I am starting to pick up my life again. I quit smoking, I am trying to deal with these various things that have happened in my life. 

Time heals all wounds. Thats not the full story mind you, but thats most of it in short. Don't worry this blog isn't going to be this depressing hah. I promise you. So now it's just going to me sharing with all of you my recovery process, my life, my advice, words of wisdom, thoughts, and my way of moving forward. So I encourage you to follow me throughout my eventful life. Because all that was just the beginning. I am going off to college in the fall and I am excited about my new life that is going to happen. Stick around, I'll take you on my journey. Learn from it. Thats all we can really do. So to all of you who can relate in some way, I'm sure that what I have to say from now on, will help you.