Media-less Beautiful People

wow. Its been a while since I've blogged. Well basically i went to the Galapagos for 10 days. No internet, no TV, no phone. It was amazing. I was probably very relaxed because I didn't have to deal with the outside world. I have so much to update you on. When I went away I had friends already leaving to go off to college. When I came back I had people leaving. It was a little odd for me to process. Usually when friends leave you, you would get very emotional because there's a chance that you may never see them again. People change, people move on. Life happens. But for me, I didn't exactly care. Strange. I thought I would be a mess. There were so many question going through my mind. One of them being Will this hit me later? Will it all rush at me with a ball of emotion? To be honest, I hope not. But now as the time for the next chapter in my life soon begins, its all becoming a little surreal. It seems like its all going so slow, yet very fast. All the time has wasted away. I mean friends will come and go, but I am not upset that people that I considered "close"  friends are gone. In fact its more of a relief, yet at the same time I feel incredibly bored. I was so used to living this life with friends that I didn't really connect with, that I was bored. I lied to so many of them to make myself appear better than them. So really they weren't exactly real friends. I only have one real friend, but I seemed to lie to her as well. So when I look back at everything I stop and think, Did I really have an honest relationship with anyone other than my family? It's heart breaking but I don't think I have. I have to say I am so scared that when college comes around and I start making friends, will I do the same thing? If so then what? Luckily with my roommate I haven't lied to her at all. Maybe this is the start of me becoming a better person and finally having an honest relationship. For people to like me as I am and not who I hope I am, or who I wish I was. 

I see all these pictures from various past friends of how their lives in college have already started out as. I see them making all these friends. I see them all happy. And I hope inside that I am that way. That I finally meet that guy. That I make friends with beautiful people inside and out. As shallow as I may sound, I want to meet that amazingly hot guy and finally have the pretty girl and the cute boy be together. I don't want to settle for less just because I am so lonely, or so desperate for friendships. I see these girls with friends who are amazingly good-looking. And sometimes I wonder, why didn't that happen to me? Is it because God decided to curse me with the average life because I lied all the time? I secretly hope I live the good life for once. But then again who's to say that i wont... I have no idea what I am saying. But basically I have all these fears and doubts inside all the time about what college will or will not be like. Expectations? I don't know if they are? Is it because the media puts college to be this place where everyone looks perfect and people are always partying? I don't know. I am frustrated, scared, excited, nervous, and all these preconceived notions of what it may be like are getting to me. LEarn from my odd thought process and even though I will be sounding completely hypocritical, don't expect anything. Just live in the moment and go with the flow with whatever life throws at you.