Fallen Again

Its been a while since I have come on here. I regret this. But there have been many new changes in my life recently that I should probably update who ever seems to be following this blog. My life has once again been lost through the tubes. I have lost everything. Literally. Except this time, its worse. This time I have absolutely no one to help me turn around. No one to tell me everything is going to be okay. No one to hold me and comfort me in my time of despair, pain, and hopelessness. All my friends, are gone. They have all moved on. And why wouldn't they? We all move on in our lives. We all find something new and great that gets us headed in a different direction. I had this for a while, but then the last two weeks have just been filled with pain. Endless pain.

I can honestly say that for once I have no idea what to do, where to go, what to say or how to live. I have thought of ending my life soon, but what would my tattoo mean? It would have been for nothing. All that shit I went through after I got it. I have just let my life fall away into pieces, and decided to just let it slip away. And now I am paying for it. My parents are getting divorced, my mother is cheating on my father with a younger man, my father is having major healthy issues and almost went to the hospital yesterday morning, I have literally been abandoned by the people in my life who I thought would stay forever, my best friend who is like a sister to me is basically dieing, my grade in one class is suffering, my future seems to look more and more bleak every time I wake up every morning, and last but not least I am lonely and I have been heartbroken 3 times this week. All these feelings all this pain seems to never end. Just when I thought my life was picking up it drops again. But farther each time. The higher I seem to go the lower I seem to fall. Why? I do not deserve this. At all. Yes I have done somethings in my life that I deeply regret, but why am I paying for it now? I thought I already did. I have no idea why these things are happening to me.

My life is just spinning around and around. I was supposed to spend this holiday re-building myself but it doesn't seem to be very successful thus far. Tomorrow I am going to start working out again, and getting my diet and exercise regime back on track, so hopefully maybe everything will fall back into place. I am going to try my best to figure everything out. But as for now in this moment, this night, I feel hopeless and angry. I will find a way. Hopefully.