A jolt of creativity & happiness

Today,while procrastinating for my college placement tests, I was reading a book of quotes a friend gave me for my birthday, and I found this one,

 

« You do not need to leave your room…

Remain sitting at your table and listen.

Do not even listen, simply wait.

Do not even wait, be quite still and solitary.

The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice.

It will roll in ecstasy at your feet. »

 

- FRANZ KAFKA (1883-1924)

 

So what do you think I did ? I rushed downstairs, made some cookies, and drank some milk. But after my procrastination of my procrastinating, I went up to my room, got out paper, pen, and I sat, and listened. Well, more like, waited. No.

I sat. in quite solitude.

 

I let my thoughts float out onto the paper as they came.

If you are a singer, I think you will understand, and hopefully appreciate my words

 

…..I’m not saying what came out was good, bad, insigthful, meaningless, whatever, it just is what it is, so… here’s what happened…

 

How can I look for something I’ve never seen before ? How can I know something I’ve never felt ? Or…have i felt it?

I geuss you know it, because… you know it.

But, I have this…thing, in my spirit. An incling.

I keep going back to my internal 8-ball and uncovered from the blue liquid are the words-

« It is certain. »

 

Total focus. What is total focus? That state, that higher plane, naturally created by the minds endorphins, without the help of outside hallucinogens or circumstances.

That full feeling.

The deep sleep…or is it the deep awake ? Not taken backward from reality, from normal experience, but pushed deeper into it. To experience it with an extra sense. What your eyes take in, what your lungs, hot air, lips vibrate out. What your nerves and energy can feel, but also a sense of your spirit, of your abstract thoughts becoming tangible, solid, no, liquid, and touching the edge of everything.

 

I want to find this place. I think I found it once before…singing.

I was totally submerged in the depths of experience. Of focus. Bathing in it. But not needing to sink, no, float up to the surface for breaths of useless brain thinks like worry, past, or future.

When I found it, or when it found me, this is what I felt-

 

I feel the hot breath move through my throat organ , and the vibrations move from that place through my lips and face, then I feel the final product- sound

Fill my ears and back into my thoughts,

experiencing them simultaneously- double orgasm

than the emotion wells, springs from my soul, and fills in the colour

my black white contrast notes, are drenched in POP, dripping colors,

jewel tones, peach, green, violet, purple, red, indigo.

 

And every human has one, An instrument. Not barcoded and mass produced like a violen or a trumpet, but hand-made by the divine to fit your soul

Totally unique in the universe.

And anywhre you are, in the ocean, on top of a mountian, in the depths of a forest, on another fucking planet, you can play it.

It follows you wherever your soul goes.

 

Life is beautiful

It is BEAUTIFUL

 

-well, that’s all I feel like typing, and probably more than you feel like reading, haha : >

so goodnight.

Baby Steps..

Moving forward one step at a time. On any other normal day I would be depressed and groggy and would wallow in self pity. I mean there are those days where I have an amazing amount of fun, going to disney land, going to a party or hanging out with friends. I have to admit my summer started off on a weak start for a senior about to go into college. But These past two days I have managed to turn it completely around. I started off with working out everyday. I=By doing this i hoped to get those awesome endorphins and such. But nope nothing. I was simply some emotionless robot on autopilot just trying to go day to day without falling apart. I mean I haven't exactly grieved over anything that has happened in my life. Thats obviously not healthy. Kind of like constipation, but emotionally. This reminded me of that movie Running with scissors where one of the characters said that she just felt stuck. Thats how I felt the first 3 weeks of summer. I mean I was losing weight, toning up and getting better physical endurance but I didn't feel any better. But recently I've decided to just let go. To forget my past because its my past. To somehow use it to make other peoples' lives way better. I mean I have no followers right now. But someone will connect to this... hopefully hah. 

So yes I am moving forward, because where else do you go? You cant be in "park" your entire life while the rest of the people around you are in "drive" and getting to where they want to be in life. If your stopped, life doesn't stop with you it keeps going. So i said screw the self pitying and of how much my life sucks etc. My life will get better. I have so much more in life awaiting me so why not get back up on my two feet start the damn engine and put this car of mine in drive, because who knows what lies ahead. 

Today I went to this college social gathering where there were many other freshman in California meeting. i was so nervous. I tried various ways to calm myself down such as: meditation, music, and exercising. These were all simply temporary. As soon as I got into my car my nerves went through the roof. As I walked through the 92 degree weather outside, I saw some girls who were about my age. We talked and got to know each other it was one of those random "hey lets get to know each other because we are both lost." Lets face it, those friendships never last. You only do that because you feel lonely and lost and need someone to talk to because you are lost too. But it got better. I met a couple more people when I got into this hall place.. with air conditioning! When I walked in I was on autopilot. I was lost inside my head, almost self narrating what I need to do next. I was like a little kid who was lost in some sort theme park where these people with purple shirts and name tags escorted me to this table full of pens and clipboards. As I awoke from this zombie like state I noticed that all the girl there looked... normal. You now how usually you have this perception of how college girls look? Well these girl looked real. Not like the show Greek where every girl has a perfect body, hair, clothing, teeth, etc. I felt comfortable very fast. I mean I'm not cocky or arrogant, obviously because I have had major self image issues. But I felt better about myself all of a sudden. I felt.. pretty. I looked around me and I noticed, wait a second I'm better looking than every girl here. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to be mean. I was just in shock almost. But then those self doubts kicked in again. Until I saw him. A very familiar face. 

i had toured the school a month ago, and I saw this tall, lanky but not too skinny, redheaded, blue-eyed boy. I thought that he was dreamy. In fact I thought that I was n something to be seeing someone that good looking. But the fact that I saw him again, was amazing. He came up to me and the 3 other girls I was around and my mother and introduced himself to me and my friends. My first comment was "Wow you're really tall." Where that came from who knows. When I'm nervous I have no filter. He gave me a sort of confused look and then smiled. And I attempted to explain myself but then I just stopped haha. Like every girl does at a moment like that. And he told me that I looked familiar. And I'm thinking, how does he remember me? Why does he keep looking at me for? Is there something on my face? What is he even talking about? But then he left, and he stared right at me, and told me that if I had any questions to ask him. I don't remember his name mind you but hey I'll definitely see him again :] 

As my adventure continued I met this other boy in the bookstore at the college in line. Turns out we were both rival schools. He playfully said to me " We cant be friends anymore" I think it'll be funny because I have a feeling we are going to become best friends. The two rivals. haha. I mean he wasn't drop dead gorgeous but there was something genuine about him. I wasn't too nervous around him either. So friends it is. Who knows. When I got into the car and made my way back home I had a huge smile on my face because, here is the girl who was never popular in high school, the girl who no one asked out. The wallflower. And after that experience, I'm going to absolutely LOVE college. I just watched true blood by the way.. ITS AMAZING. I'm exhausted and its only 7:30. Now I have to go find something to do... 

Where it all began

A blog, something that i am not familiar with in the least bit. I was told today that I should start a blog, so i decided hey why not, what have I got to lose right? And here I am and 18 year old girl wondering what to write. Lets start from the beginning. I was born in Irvine, California. I started off as a happy go lucky girl, with a bright smile and a love for anything creative. Straight A student through out elementary school( but lets face it, thats when none of your education even counts) Then middle school is when it took a turn for the worse. And my parents were scared, like any other parent would be when your child starts listening to Marilyn Manson at age 12. And started to go through that inevitable "dark stage" of life. my closet was black, no color anywhere. My CDs consisted of band such as Garbage, Nirvana, Marilyn Manson, and Korn.  Why? How? When? all questions my parents decided to ask the various psychologists and doctors. This is where it all began. 

I was raped as a child. Of course, when you're 8 years old you have no clue what is going on. I had severe depression, mono, and hallucinations. I thought I could see ghosts or "dead people." When I was 13 these tendencies worsened. I attempted suicide. But of course I didn't succeed or how else would I be writing all this. My grandmother found me. Not the most ideal situation. Eventually I was put on antidepressants and became better I was happy again my life picked back up. Then I started high school. and everything changed. I realized many things. I wanted to "fit in" so I then started to life to various girls about how "charmed" my life was. Reality was, my father was abusing me at home verbally and physically from time to time, but mostly verbally. I was a damaged child, trying to make up many ways of how much better my life was. I wanted attention because of the lack of attention I got at home. I mean what 15 year old doesn't seek for attention because of a lack of self confidence blah blah blah. Then my self confidence was picked up when I met a boy, one who severely changed the way I looked at myself. I felt loved, for the first time in my life. It was overwhelming. I was happy all the time, something that I wasn't familiar with in any way. I was turning 16 in a month. things were picking up dramatically. I was changing. My life felt better. I wanted to wake up every morning. I suddenly had a reason to go to school. But at my 16th birthday party it fell apart again. He announced to everyone that he was my boyfriend and said that he loved me. Now normally this would be ideal for a girl at this age. But, because I am Indian (India), my community saw me suddenly as a "slut" or "loose" My family was shocked that I even had one to begin with. I was devastated because this meant that I had to dump him. 

Then that summer before my junior year of high school, I went to Cambridge, England. I took some courses there, made a lot of friends, and of course drank. It was something of a release for me. I felt so much pain. Alcohol was my way of coping. All these people around me showed me what it was like to be free, without parents who fought everyday, without a father who I could never please, away from all the pain at home. I loved every moment of it. it lasted a month. Then it was back home. i was a different person. More confident, happy, and carefree. But my habit in England carried on with me. I became an alcoholic. I started combining the alcohol with sleeping pills and my old antidepressants. And once those ran out I had no other way to cope. One of my best friends who lived near me wold always help me through every situation that i had been going through at home. I hated being at home. Home was hell to me. To a normal on-looker, you could say my life is amazing because I have all the material needs in my life. A mac for a computer, nice cars, nice clothes etc. But all these materials cant compensate for all the pain I feel. All the addictions I have, all the horrible things that have happened. They judge me by my dad's credit card not by the fact that he is an alcoholic. He understood me. One day I went over to his house, and I found him, dead. Blood everywhere. He had slit his wrists. I was in shock. I started many drugs. Heroine, Coke, Weed, smoking, and yes more booze. My parents didn't know anything about this. They still don't to this day. I hid everything from them very well. I started to lose weight without trying, then i gained weight without trying. I was a mess. 

I needed help. So I went to a friend. A boy who I went to school with for a while but never talked to. It took one accidental Instant Message to him. And our friendship began. I sent him something I meant to send to my cousin. telling him the entirety of my life and habits. He was shocked. How does a 16 year old boy even react to that. But I quit all these things on my own. One of my friends helped me through it. I was returning to normalcy. I started talking to this boy and because I developed a crush for him I felt attached to him. But then I discovered that he had a girl friend. Basically I've been in love with my best friend for 2 years now. This story will be explained later. But I guess I should wrap this up. My fingers are hurting. Throughout my junior year i had to get over drug addictions and mental problems. I then discovered that I had a step brother. That no one told me about. He was there for me through everything. I had decided to go and live with him and runaway from my home. All the pain. It was planned for june 13th 2008. But Prom night I found out that he had killed himself. No clue as to why. He had a wife, so I was going to go stay with her. So I waited with my bags at the door looking for her car. Looking for any sign, checked my phone. 3 hours late. Traffic? No. Turns out an emergency came up. I didn't hear from her for 2 months. I didn't know what to do. I was so close to an escape. To some sort of out. But I was left all alone. Again. Then because I was so depressed I developed agoraphobia. A fear of going outside. I had many different panic attacks. I had no clue how to deal with ALL of this pain. So my mother finally noticed that there was something wrong with me. So I got help. 

Came back senior year, a new me. I felt better. I was applying to colleges and such and well senior year seemed to go by pretty damn quick. The beginning of senior year was great. But then I lost yet another friend, my step brothers wife died in a car accident, my parents relationship was falling apart, my father went to jail for hitting my mother, rumors were spread about me at school that I was a liar about my entire life all because I told one girl who opened her mouth, I am still in love with my best friend, my panic attacks came back so I started smoking again, and my mother has lupus. All these things have happened. But I quickly have turned around and I am starting to pick up my life again. I quit smoking, I am trying to deal with these various things that have happened in my life. 

Time heals all wounds. Thats not the full story mind you, but thats most of it in short. Don't worry this blog isn't going to be this depressing hah. I promise you. So now it's just going to me sharing with all of you my recovery process, my life, my advice, words of wisdom, thoughts, and my way of moving forward. So I encourage you to follow me throughout my eventful life. Because all that was just the beginning. I am going off to college in the fall and I am excited about my new life that is going to happen. Stick around, I'll take you on my journey. Learn from it. Thats all we can really do. So to all of you who can relate in some way, I'm sure that what I have to say from now on, will help you.