Media-less Beautiful People

wow. Its been a while since I've blogged. Well basically i went to the Galapagos for 10 days. No internet, no TV, no phone. It was amazing. I was probably very relaxed because I didn't have to deal with the outside world. I have so much to update you on. When I went away I had friends already leaving to go off to college. When I came back I had people leaving. It was a little odd for me to process. Usually when friends leave you, you would get very emotional because there's a chance that you may never see them again. People change, people move on. Life happens. But for me, I didn't exactly care. Strange. I thought I would be a mess. There were so many question going through my mind. One of them being Will this hit me later? Will it all rush at me with a ball of emotion? To be honest, I hope not. But now as the time for the next chapter in my life soon begins, its all becoming a little surreal. It seems like its all going so slow, yet very fast. All the time has wasted away. I mean friends will come and go, but I am not upset that people that I considered "close"  friends are gone. In fact its more of a relief, yet at the same time I feel incredibly bored. I was so used to living this life with friends that I didn't really connect with, that I was bored. I lied to so many of them to make myself appear better than them. So really they weren't exactly real friends. I only have one real friend, but I seemed to lie to her as well. So when I look back at everything I stop and think, Did I really have an honest relationship with anyone other than my family? It's heart breaking but I don't think I have. I have to say I am so scared that when college comes around and I start making friends, will I do the same thing? If so then what? Luckily with my roommate I haven't lied to her at all. Maybe this is the start of me becoming a better person and finally having an honest relationship. For people to like me as I am and not who I hope I am, or who I wish I was. 

I see all these pictures from various past friends of how their lives in college have already started out as. I see them making all these friends. I see them all happy. And I hope inside that I am that way. That I finally meet that guy. That I make friends with beautiful people inside and out. As shallow as I may sound, I want to meet that amazingly hot guy and finally have the pretty girl and the cute boy be together. I don't want to settle for less just because I am so lonely, or so desperate for friendships. I see these girls with friends who are amazingly good-looking. And sometimes I wonder, why didn't that happen to me? Is it because God decided to curse me with the average life because I lied all the time? I secretly hope I live the good life for once. But then again who's to say that i wont... I have no idea what I am saying. But basically I have all these fears and doubts inside all the time about what college will or will not be like. Expectations? I don't know if they are? Is it because the media puts college to be this place where everyone looks perfect and people are always partying? I don't know. I am frustrated, scared, excited, nervous, and all these preconceived notions of what it may be like are getting to me. LEarn from my odd thought process and even though I will be sounding completely hypocritical, don't expect anything. Just live in the moment and go with the flow with whatever life throws at you. 

Forgetting Isn't Meant to Be.

So I actually neglected my Blog for a VERY VERY long time. I know its sad. I have just become very busy. Nothing severely interesting has happened really. I mean I have finally gotten over my best friend. About damn time if you ask anyone close to me. I have finally gotten over my dreaded bikini fear. I think I am in the best shape that I have ever been in my entire life. My endurance and such are incredible. My health is getting way better which is great. And oh that oh so horrible love situation. Well, I guess I will share this tid bit then. I met this guy when I was 13 at my cousins 13th birthday party. His name is Joe. He was there for me basically to pick me up, after I was rejected by a very very cute guy. He made sure that I was having fun and such. Well I saw him a year ago during my grandparents anniversary party. He turned absolutely gorgeous. I mean we never kept in touch really. So seeing him was interesting. He ended up going for my sister, this made me rather angry mostly because we had a thing a while ago. Did I except him to remember, eh not really. But it would have been great if he did. Apparently I was too old for him because I was turning 18 soon. Well I saw him last weekend and well, it was painful. I was nervous I was thinking a million things at once wondering if he remembers me still, what he thinks of me now after losing a lot of weight things to that extent. But when my aunt said to him, "Have you met my niece? " he simply said and looked at my coldly, "Ya I think I remember you." Ouch. You only almost dated my sister you pervert. This boy was gorgeous. So I decided to maybe go for him. Yes I am going to college soon so what's the point right? He's going all the way to Arizona and I am staying in California. It would be dumb to start anything. Usually I am used to men flirting with me and such, (well thats what other people observe) But now that I have some sort of confidence level I was expecting him to do something. But he barely talked to me. If he did talk to me it was either indirectly or just a quick phrase. Stupid. You think to yourself, what the hell is wrong with me?? I mean there could be nothing wrong with me, at all. Then he came back to my cousins house where I was staying the night, and he kept showing off in front of me. I mean come one! The guy was trying to do something. As to what I have no idea. I mean he gave me this glance at one point in the night that was very seductive. Then about a week later I was in San Diego with some girl friends, drinking and such, and I started drunk texting my cousin Rob who is best friends with Joe. And Apparently, Joe and I have both had troubling pasts abd we both had drug addiction. Essentially we were the same person. I mean I as like YES maybe there is something between us. Maybe something is supposed to happen to us. But then again who knows. So when I went to my cousins place the next weekend I was expecting Joe to be there. I was expecting something for my cousin to follow through on. But nothing. And when Rob asked Joe if he remembers me he said that he has a bad memory. And when Rob asked him what he thought of me he said "I think that she's your cousin." I mean is that confusing or what?? Then LAst night I get a text from Rob saying, Joe is here at my house. I was severely confused. what the hell is that supposed to mean. Odd. I mean I get attached to people I barely even know. I hate it. Its dumb, its setting my up for disappointment, and it makes me upset and doubt myself. I hate being self conscious. I mean my self confidence was shattered the last week. it was hard. I am slowly trying to pick up the pieces I have left before I go to college. I was really struggling. I felt alone again. I felt distant

and antisocial, sound familiar? Yes I had depression again. DEar Lord it never ceases it seems. I hate it. I seem to be okay when there are other people around me. But then When I am by myself I fall to pieces. And sometimes I fall to pieces inside my head even when people are around. It sucks to be honest. I really do not like it. But what can you do right? But try and distract yourself as much as possible. no matter who or what you try and get over, it all takes time. There is no magic spell, or vitamin, or medication, or hypnotist that can make you forget about people. We meet these people for a reason. We either have futures with these people or not for a reason, why? Because whatever is meant to me will always workout, and will be... easy. EAsier said than done though.