Self Love.

Self Love. Something that very many people have yet to discover, including me. Once you love yourself, people will start to love you. I always used to think that others needed to see me as a certain way, for example beautiful, in order to see myself that way. But we shouldn't live our lives for others. We should do the things we do for ourselves. It's okay to be selfish every now and then. In fact when it comes to the way you see yourself you need to be selfish. You have to make sure that you know that you are great, that you are beautiful, and talented, and amazing. If you don't see yourself that way then no one else will see you this way. i found something on the internet. 7 days to self love. They are a list of ways to improve the way you see yourself. When you work out don;t do it to shut up your spouse because they are calling you fat. Don;t do it because you want to look better than that anorexic model you live next to. do it because when you look in the mirror every morning you feel good about yourself and you know in your heart that you are beautiful inside and out. Quit smoking for yourself. Stop drinking for yourself. Go out and look good for yourself. Put on make up for yourself, not to impress guys but to show yourself just how good you can look. I mean I haven't exactly practiced self love in a while. But for the next 7 days I will be doing this 7 day self love trial on this website:http://www.yogaprasad.in/blog/7-days-to-self-love/#more-406 and I will be blogging about how I feel about myself each day and if it works. But I wont stop the 7 day trial of self love, no I will continue it. I'll just be blogging about it. I also will be blogging about meditation and how much better I feel about myself afterwards. I feel anxious all the time, I am constantly worried or paranoid about what people think about me or perceive me. So for the next 7 days get ready to love yourself! 

Hypocritical crankiness

Wow its been a while since I've been on here. But life got in the way of that. Well my insomnia may be back which sucks. I am a hopelessly devoted person to a best friend who hasn't exactly been there for me. I mean what is a best friend? Really? It's someone who is always there for you right? Do I have that right now? no I do not. But quite honestly the lack of sleep that I have gotten because I saw the Harry Potter premiere at 12 am, and then ti-pied a persons house and then stayed up for 35 hours, has made me realize some things. Weird huh. The people who we sometimes think are so close to us and mean a great deal to us, really may not be that at all. We all want to feel loved, wanted, secure, and accepted. But when does that acceptance go to far? I'll tell you. When you have attached yourself to someone who you can open up to and understands you, you want to assume that they are suddenly someone you can trust and someone who is your friend. The more you open up to them and the more you talk to them and help them through their issues they close you get. The more this happens and the more you can relate to each other the deeper and more intimate your relationship becomes until you are established as best friends. However there are people who use this same routine and get you close to them but then abandon you and stop talk to you immediately. These people are users. Then there are the hypocritical people. Who tell you how much you mean to them etc. but then act a completely different way like ignoring you, your texts, or just don't even check up on you when you haven't spoken in a while. 

i have both issues but my bigger issue is the one with the hypocrite. I have officially gone numb. Do I hate my entire life? No. Do I hate a few parts right now? Yes. We all have something going on in our lives. And for some odd reason it's take me lack of sleep and watching big brother episodes online for me to realize how messed I am inside mentally right now. And I need someone to talk to about it. I need to get out how I feel right now. I feel like a screaming person inside me is on mute so that no one can hear it. My inner screams are loud. There's so much I want to say but no opportunity to get them the hell out. And I am trying to get them out so I can be as happy as I can possibly be. I am very frustrated and agitated. At a certain point you feel like breaking apart and hitting someone. I feel soo irritable that I want to hurt someone's feelings. But that would be horrible of course. I think that I should probably sleep now. A part of me wants these feelings of lack of in my case to go away but another part for it to stay so I can crack it open and deal with them. All I need is a friend. An honest friend who will actually listen to me, say things to me and mean them, do what they say they're going to do, and who will pick me up when I am down. I haven't found that yet. But I hope I do fairly soon before I lose my cool. 

Real friends don't cause Hot-Flashes

The day is over now. I have so many questions still unanswered. Still searching. Do we ever really stop searching? I spent the day with the man that I have hopelessly been in love with for the past two years. It was awkward, fun, nerve wracking, and breathtaking. I was supposed to go in having a plan, but as soon as I saw him i was dizzy, i was sweating, I got hot-flashes, I was nervous, I couldn't even think. We got lunch and sat down to talk, but my plan simply disintegrated within seconds of talking to him. What's going on? I asked myself. Why aren't you the smooth talker that you usually are? Where are all your usual witty and comical remarks? They vanished. I was stripped bare almost. I simply spoke whatever was in my mind I had no filter. What ever question or quirky remark I would usually say in my head I blurted out. What the hell?! I was supposed to tell him how much it hurt me that I had attempted to connect with him about a month ago twice and he decided not to respond at all in any way what so ever. Oh but no, i fell for his gorgeous blue eyes and his stupid charisma. I saw him today and I told him I was great that I am just fine, that my life is picking up. When the truth is, I have never felt so damn empty in my entire life. Yes high school is over, woohoo, and yes I am going to be going to college pretty soon and my life is going to be great. But I haven't exactly told anyone how I feel right now or what I've been trying to deal with for the last month. It's all  locked inside my safe. The one that no one can seem to crack in real life. It's fricking necessary for me to open up to someone at this point. I've been emotionless with this huge ass facade on my face telling and showing the world just how okay I am, when I'm not. I mean thinking now as to why I'm upset I can't exactly think of all these things but only how they make me feel and how i feel and all these things I've discovered. Today I was stranded at his house with no ride home. I had to ask for a ride home from my trainer who comes to my home to train me/ is my psychologist from time to time. None of my other friends wanted to. It wasn't important enough for them to listen to me. Where as if I had suddenly been abducted and beaten and was left on the side of the road, then yes all of them would have responded, "yes omg where are you? Are you okay?" I realized that I have no real friends. thats fucking sad. Yes I have cussed for the first time on this blog. But you know what this is ridiculous. Your real friends will be there no matter what for you. Your real friends will be there for yo no matter what. Your real friends would at least make some damn effort to make sure your okay. Even trying would be good! Even calling to make sure you still have a ride would be great! So do me a favor everyone, think very very hard, and ask yourself Would any of my friends that I have now do any of the above things for me? If not, then I suggest you start letting go of some excess weight. 

Women over analyze everything!

I almost started another diary, but then I realize that my blog is basically my diary. Today was one of those days where you come to several different realizations. I went to go see the movie The Proposal with one of my very good friends. It was my second time seeing this movie but I lied to her saying that it was my first. Anyways thats not the point, but we were talking today on our way to the movie of tomorrow and how many different possibilities it could bring. I mean even she thought that it was weird that Vick wanted to meet up and talk after I sent him two facebook messages when he didn't respond to those and when we haven't even had any other form of communication for the last month. She said, "What the hell could the a** want?!" I could see she felt my same curiosity. I mean when you ask the Universe to give you a sign of what he could possibly want to talk about and they send you not one love song but two saying how a man wants to profess his love for a girl, thats a little more than a coincidence don't ya think? I mean I can logically make many different reasons why it can't be that, but a part of me wants this to happen. It's weird if I were to picture myself with him 3 months ago I could. But now for some odd reason I cannot. why? I have no idea. Most people just take the sings they're given and work with them and get on with their lives. As for me, I seem to over analyze everything and I mean everything. There's not one thing that I dont over guess or look at over and over again. I mean if he finally tells me that he loves me I will be so incredibly happym but then I think why would he tell me that? Wouldn't he think that it would ruin our friendship? Why would he tell me if he's going all the way to DC for college? Why now? Am I a rebound? Or is it going to be nothing at all to do with love but something completely different? I don't know. I'm confused, anxious, worried, and yet some what excited. My friend told me to go into tomorrow's talk neutral. Which is smart so then I'm not expecting anything. Everything he does though is odd. And as soon as you assume its one thing, he'll tell you its something completely different and that you were wrong. I mean he could be just lying and protecting himself from being completely vulnerable. I can go on explaining and exploring everything that I think could happen tomorrow, but the truth is I have no idea, you have no idea, no one knows. Everything happens for a reason. So what ever happens tomorrow will happen, is there anything I can really do at this point? No. All I have to do is go on with my life right now, do what I am doing now in this moment, and then tomorrow when I see him then I can have these thoughts, but as for now all I can do is be patient and live in the moment.  

Tiramisu food baby

Off to LA again for the millionth time. It used to be so exciting to go to Beverly Hills, but as soon as you start going every week, it gets so mundane. I look around the streets and see all these fake people, and on every corner there's a surgical lift office with fish-faced and Dolly Parton breasted women walking out. Everyone seems to look the same here. Why do I go there every week? Well because my pediatrician lives there and he's the only doctor who seems to know what the hell he's doing. Instead of prescribing me antidepressants for robots, he gives me herbs! Hey what an idea, NOT drugging teenagers with prozac! Who would have thought. I have to say although Beverly Hills seems to be "Plastic City" Their food is amazing. I had the most AMAZING tiramisu I have ever had at this place called Prego. it was to-die-for. Every bite was like an orgasm in my mouth. There's this other place their called The Crustacean, that place is amazing too! Their Garlic noodles, yummy. I ate so much food at that restaurant that I walked out feeling like I had eaten for two. I had what we call a food baby. This is where you eat so much that your stomach protrudes outwards. All I can say is thank god for the high-waisted pants I was wearing today. It took 3 hours for me to feel semi-normal again. 

This week is going to be rather interesting. I will be spending some time with many old friends that I have not seen in a very long time. Wednesday will be awesome, Thursday who fucking knows at this point. I am so nervous about that day that when ever I think about it my  heart beats faster and faster. Friday a godsend because I finally get to go on a date after the longest time! Unfortunately its with a horrible guy, who lets hope has gotten his act together. Saturday my Dad or  Satan will be gone! He's going to Vegas with the very good looking Austrian Hunk he works with. Sunday will be a day to myself to unwind and just think and of course get some things done like oh.. Placement tests which are due pretty damn soon. The possibilities for this upcoming week are endless, so lets see what happens shall we? 

Miracles, "we need to talk", and decisions.

Well last night was interesting. You know how when you are desperately seeking a miracle and you seem to fold your hands, look up, and just start praying out of desperation? Well I did that exact same thing. I was searching for some sort of sign that Vick actually cared about me. I begged and pleaded that some sort of sense would come into his mind telling him that his friend was in need of help. About 2 minutes later, I got a text. It was him. I was in such a sense of confusion, shock, and happiness. My heart couldn't have been beating any faster otherwise I would probably have a heart attack. he said that we have to meet up this week to talk. Huh? All I said to him before was, how are you.. and I got a "wee need to talk" message. Thank God we aren't together or I would probably be very scared. I mean friends don't really break-up.. or do they? Who knows. I am nervous about this meeting. I mean it could go several different ways. It could either be a friendly conversation of how he's going to miss me, a conversation about how much I seem to complain about my life to him, It could be the I broke up with my girl friend and I'm very upset. I mean soooo many possibilities. I shouldn't have texted him twice in a row just now. You that rule where if you text a guy u have to wait for him to text u back after your response, so its you then him, you then him etc. Well I mean I had to because I have plans and I need to know when he's planning on talking. I have no idea why I just put that in this post. haha. As you can tell, I am a very over-analytical person. But if i wasn't like this then I would definitely not be a woman. And now I await his text. The worst part. For him it could either be 2 min from now, or 2 hours or even 2 days from now. 

You know how when a guy asks for your number and then you wait for forever for him to call you... and you just keep staring at your phone impatiently every 5 seconds. You don't want o turn off your phone either just in case. Well the old me would be obsessive like that. But I guess since I am changing day by day I should just let it go. Let what ever happens, happen. Ripping off the band aid fast instead of super slow. My friends are all telling me not to fall into a trap of feeling bad for him because he's upset, and that I should really open up and let him have it of what he's put me through this week. But agreeing that you'll do it and actually doing it after I've stared into his blue eyes, is two very different things. Lets hope I do the right thing instead of what's easy. 

The Never Ending Day

Have you ever had one of those days where it feels like it lasts forever? Today was one of those days. I had only 4 hours of sleep, had training in the morning, and then after that nothing. Nothing at all. Its strange not doing anything. I wanted to do something but at the same time not go anywhere. I just wanted to watch TV all day, and sit on my ass and just do nothing. I didn't feel empty i just felt in the moment almost. It was the calm before the storm. Because while I was watching the movie No Reservations I seemed to burst into a river of tears. I just broke down. I guess putting up that facade for the last 2 months started to crack on the surface. I just screamed out everything I was feeling and thinking. It was liberating actually. Thankfully I was home by myself. I started thinking about all these things that I need to let go of, especially one, The best friend. If someone cared about you they would be there for you. Right? I went on a rant of how much he means to me and how disappointed I am in him. Well i tried to let this go after all the snot and tears. Then soon after that I didn't know what else to do. I just sat around, hoping, wishing, and waiting that some miracle would happen. Something, anything. But there was nothing. No text from him. Was a disappointed? yes. Anyone would be at this point. Once you wait for someone to do something and they do nothing its a major let down. Eventually I returned to my facade. I have one for every occasion. Today it was an emotionless one. Then I decided to be somewhat productive and make a list of things I need to get done right away. While doing that I decided to text some people because I was bored. I texted my best girlfriend, Jennie, a guy who i should be texting, The player, and The best friend. 

Oh the player. I grew up with this boy. He had a crush on me since we laid eyes on each other. Love at first sight? no. I've been looking for love since I started pre-school. No joke. This one time I had this ring my mom go time for my birthday, and I had a crush on one of the boys that I went up to him and told him that if he was my boyfriend he could have the ring. He took the ring, but then gave it to this other girl named Sydney. I don't remember his name but I do remember hers. This constant rejection seemed to be a reoccurring incident. Rejection I have never taken well. But I've just learned to cope with it a lot better. Anyways The player, well he's slept with almost every girl he's ever met. He had a troubling childhood. Mother an abusive, home-wrecking alcoholic that cheated on their father. And he, well he went to Juvi for a while, was in a military school, tried to rape a babysitter, and did some various drugs. I haven't talked to him for at least a year. So i decided that in order to get over my best friend I need to go out with this "bad boy." Will it work? who knows. Then my best friend who I will name Vic for the sake of anonymity, i texted him a while ago, almost an hour ago actually. He hasn't responded. Why don't I just call him? No, not a good idea because I'll seem like a desperate girl seeking attention. Yes i do overanalyze everything, but I'm a woman and thats what we do. 

My friend Eugene told me just now that I can do better. That a man like this in my life is simply holding me back from everything I could be doing, sound familiar? But how do I move on if I have no closure? No explanation as to why he just decided to stop talking to me. Who knows. But for now all I can do is just keep moving forward. No more steps backward. When in doubt, confusion, or frustration move forward! 

Paranoid Parents, Fireworks, and European hunks.

Fourth of July, is it me or does this holiday seem to be a bit redundant every single year. The carnivals, the food, the fireworks, and all those colors red white and blue. Today i woke up rather early. I mean when I woke up I didn't exactly think, oh its the fourth of july partaay! Ya not so much. Instead it was like any other day with the exception of a guest coming over. He is one HOT european man. I have one of those girl crushes on this man. I mean he's 37, a little out of my league don't u think ;) a 19 year age difference, he could be old enough to be my father. Anyways, his accent, he's tall, blonde, and oh yes those blue eyes... or maybe green. Haha. Well usually I don't doll up completely on this day, but today I did. Why? That damn girl crush... okay and well I am a bit desperate seeing as how I have absolutely no one in my life at the moment. If there's a cute guy coming over to your house, and your single, and you are incredibly lonely, wouldn't you get some-what dressed up? It may just be me. Anyways, he practically lives in our house now that he's come here to work for my father ( i mean satan, he's actually listed this in my phone book.) so he comes here all the time. My parents and some of the few friends he's made so far have been trying to set him up with women, my own mother even said, "If he was 10 years younger, I would set you up with him." ..... Thanks mom. I feel even better now. Anyways, today I took the day off from working out, I went down to this fair, I let my tattoo show off so it was interesting to see how people reacted to this, but that interest soon dicipated after I realized about 60% of the people there had tattoos as well. It was HOT outside let me tell you. Not one of those hot hawaiian breezes coming through, oh no, more like hot, sticky, sweaty, and just ugh nasty. But I prevailed in my summer dress and short hair. If I had long hair I would die in the heat. Then we awaited the damn fireworks to start, ate some food( or if its at my home ALOT of food because my mother just doesn't know when to stop, its like a drug addiction for her, except she cooks.) , listened to music, Oh and how could I forget nothing like saying happy fourth of july to the movie Taken. We went from upbeat day to I am now paranoid as shit to travel anywhere alone with a good looking girl friend. My father is paranoid, he got mad at me for telling some professional MMA fighter what college I am going to......? The sense in that one, no idea. Not enough that he's making me practice what he calls "Street fighting" before I go on a 3 DAY vacation with 3 other girl friends, to San Diego which is a whopping 1 HOUR away. No not 400,000 miles. 1 hour. just one. driving distance. I have no idea. Anyways. I am exhausted, and I have growing pains in my legs. Goodnight!

To love or not to love

I have neglected my blog for 2 days :[ but thats okay not like anyones really following this at the moment hah. Well for the past two day I've been in a way better mood. I mean usually I am wallowing in my endless unhappiness, and pigging out on Ben and Jerry's and watching chick flicks. But I decided, where is that going to get me? feeling bad for myself isn't going to get me anywhere but make me feel even worse. So I decided to work through everything. Since I have been working out the last month I've felt way better about myself. I mean everyone says workout and you'll feel happier blah blah blah. Me not so much. But its been helping me. I would highly suggest it. I even have an alarm clock that says" Workout: if you're thinking about sleeping in, DONT" And it helps. 

But anyways, you know how when you feel like you have SO much on your mind, but no one to tell? Thats been me for a while now. See i have this best friend of mine. We have known each other since 7th grade. But we never really knew each other. So one day junior year I sent him and accidental IM that consisted of some very personal matters, aka my life story. Usually I don't tell anyone about it. ( this is a blog and I am completely anonymous so therefore sharing it is fine.) And he found out many things about me. From then on is when we because best friends. He had opened up to me as well that same night. Now i have been in love with my best friend for a while now. I attached myself to him because he knew me very well and was always there for me through almost everything I've been through. You may say, well why is this a problem? Its a problem, or well it was a problem because he had a girlfriend. Yes I made that stupid mistake of falling for the guy who was taken. It has been the hardest thing in my life to get over. Odd isn't it? I some how thought that maybe one day, he would realize how much more I have been there for him. That someday he would feel the same way. Turns out I was wrong. Those very hopes and dreams being crushed got me to realize something called reality. Some people slowly come to this "awakening" However me, well it smacked me right in the face like a bug on a windshield. 

My feelings for this boy was stupid. Because not only was I miserable it had held me back from so many things I could have done. Ladies, if you are reading this DO NOT let this happen to you. The fact that a stupid boy got in my way of living my life is dumb. If he's unavailable... HE'S UNAVAILABLE. Got it? I hope so. Anyways, he recently broke up with his girlfriend because he's going to college on the east coast, and they would be far apart. And me, well I still haven't quite gotten over him. But I'm getting there. I think that because I am making a point to get over him its helping me in the long run. I've been able to flirt with men and talk to cute guys because I decided to live my life. A complete 180 of how I've been living it before. No the story does not end here unfortunately. You know how usually when you ask someone for help, guidance, or support they give it to you especially if they're a best friend. Well I was suffering a lot the beginning of the summer and I decided to ask my best friend (the boy) for help. Did he respond, no. Then I thought well maybe he's busy. Then 3 weeks go by and I send him another one saying please i need someone to talk to. Of course nothing. How did I feel? Pissed! Because its confusing. When you are there for someone all the time when they need you, why would they just randomly abandon you? I don't understand. He's broken up with his girlfriend, he has a life now so there's really no more excuses as to why he cant be there for me. Yes I know what you're thinking, maybe I', just so desperate for his attention because I'm still in love with him. But thats not the case. He is someone who I have always depended on, and he's gone. Its like he's decided to disappear on me. I mean he was on vacation for a while, but the least the VERY lease he could do was send me a god damn text. Right? I mean let me know if I'm going insane or something. But I'm pretty sure best friends are usually there for yo no matter what. And today I saw him online, and usually if we've gone this long without talk to each other he would call or text or IM me. But oh no. He didn't message me once to ask me how I am, or if everything was okay. So I guess its safe to say, maybe I should just let go completely of this jerk. Maybe, but is love to strong of a feeling to let go of? I don't know. We'll see what happens the rest of the day. Will he open his eyes? Who knows.