Hypocritical crankiness

Wow its been a while since I've been on here. But life got in the way of that. Well my insomnia may be back which sucks. I am a hopelessly devoted person to a best friend who hasn't exactly been there for me. I mean what is a best friend? Really? It's someone who is always there for you right? Do I have that right now? no I do not. But quite honestly the lack of sleep that I have gotten because I saw the Harry Potter premiere at 12 am, and then ti-pied a persons house and then stayed up for 35 hours, has made me realize some things. Weird huh. The people who we sometimes think are so close to us and mean a great deal to us, really may not be that at all. We all want to feel loved, wanted, secure, and accepted. But when does that acceptance go to far? I'll tell you. When you have attached yourself to someone who you can open up to and understands you, you want to assume that they are suddenly someone you can trust and someone who is your friend. The more you open up to them and the more you talk to them and help them through their issues they close you get. The more this happens and the more you can relate to each other the deeper and more intimate your relationship becomes until you are established as best friends. However there are people who use this same routine and get you close to them but then abandon you and stop talk to you immediately. These people are users. Then there are the hypocritical people. Who tell you how much you mean to them etc. but then act a completely different way like ignoring you, your texts, or just don't even check up on you when you haven't spoken in a while. 

i have both issues but my bigger issue is the one with the hypocrite. I have officially gone numb. Do I hate my entire life? No. Do I hate a few parts right now? Yes. We all have something going on in our lives. And for some odd reason it's take me lack of sleep and watching big brother episodes online for me to realize how messed I am inside mentally right now. And I need someone to talk to about it. I need to get out how I feel right now. I feel like a screaming person inside me is on mute so that no one can hear it. My inner screams are loud. There's so much I want to say but no opportunity to get them the hell out. And I am trying to get them out so I can be as happy as I can possibly be. I am very frustrated and agitated. At a certain point you feel like breaking apart and hitting someone. I feel soo irritable that I want to hurt someone's feelings. But that would be horrible of course. I think that I should probably sleep now. A part of me wants these feelings of lack of in my case to go away but another part for it to stay so I can crack it open and deal with them. All I need is a friend. An honest friend who will actually listen to me, say things to me and mean them, do what they say they're going to do, and who will pick me up when I am down. I haven't found that yet. But I hope I do fairly soon before I lose my cool.