To love or not to love

I have neglected my blog for 2 days :[ but thats okay not like anyones really following this at the moment hah. Well for the past two day I've been in a way better mood. I mean usually I am wallowing in my endless unhappiness, and pigging out on Ben and Jerry's and watching chick flicks. But I decided, where is that going to get me? feeling bad for myself isn't going to get me anywhere but make me feel even worse. So I decided to work through everything. Since I have been working out the last month I've felt way better about myself. I mean everyone says workout and you'll feel happier blah blah blah. Me not so much. But its been helping me. I would highly suggest it. I even have an alarm clock that says" Workout: if you're thinking about sleeping in, DONT" And it helps. 

But anyways, you know how when you feel like you have SO much on your mind, but no one to tell? Thats been me for a while now. See i have this best friend of mine. We have known each other since 7th grade. But we never really knew each other. So one day junior year I sent him and accidental IM that consisted of some very personal matters, aka my life story. Usually I don't tell anyone about it. ( this is a blog and I am completely anonymous so therefore sharing it is fine.) And he found out many things about me. From then on is when we because best friends. He had opened up to me as well that same night. Now i have been in love with my best friend for a while now. I attached myself to him because he knew me very well and was always there for me through almost everything I've been through. You may say, well why is this a problem? Its a problem, or well it was a problem because he had a girlfriend. Yes I made that stupid mistake of falling for the guy who was taken. It has been the hardest thing in my life to get over. Odd isn't it? I some how thought that maybe one day, he would realize how much more I have been there for him. That someday he would feel the same way. Turns out I was wrong. Those very hopes and dreams being crushed got me to realize something called reality. Some people slowly come to this "awakening" However me, well it smacked me right in the face like a bug on a windshield. 

My feelings for this boy was stupid. Because not only was I miserable it had held me back from so many things I could have done. Ladies, if you are reading this DO NOT let this happen to you. The fact that a stupid boy got in my way of living my life is dumb. If he's unavailable... HE'S UNAVAILABLE. Got it? I hope so. Anyways, he recently broke up with his girlfriend because he's going to college on the east coast, and they would be far apart. And me, well I still haven't quite gotten over him. But I'm getting there. I think that because I am making a point to get over him its helping me in the long run. I've been able to flirt with men and talk to cute guys because I decided to live my life. A complete 180 of how I've been living it before. No the story does not end here unfortunately. You know how usually when you ask someone for help, guidance, or support they give it to you especially if they're a best friend. Well I was suffering a lot the beginning of the summer and I decided to ask my best friend (the boy) for help. Did he respond, no. Then I thought well maybe he's busy. Then 3 weeks go by and I send him another one saying please i need someone to talk to. Of course nothing. How did I feel? Pissed! Because its confusing. When you are there for someone all the time when they need you, why would they just randomly abandon you? I don't understand. He's broken up with his girlfriend, he has a life now so there's really no more excuses as to why he cant be there for me. Yes I know what you're thinking, maybe I', just so desperate for his attention because I'm still in love with him. But thats not the case. He is someone who I have always depended on, and he's gone. Its like he's decided to disappear on me. I mean he was on vacation for a while, but the least the VERY lease he could do was send me a god damn text. Right? I mean let me know if I'm going insane or something. But I'm pretty sure best friends are usually there for yo no matter what. And today I saw him online, and usually if we've gone this long without talk to each other he would call or text or IM me. But oh no. He didn't message me once to ask me how I am, or if everything was okay. So I guess its safe to say, maybe I should just let go completely of this jerk. Maybe, but is love to strong of a feeling to let go of? I don't know. We'll see what happens the rest of the day. Will he open his eyes? Who knows.