The Never Ending Day

Have you ever had one of those days where it feels like it lasts forever? Today was one of those days. I had only 4 hours of sleep, had training in the morning, and then after that nothing. Nothing at all. Its strange not doing anything. I wanted to do something but at the same time not go anywhere. I just wanted to watch TV all day, and sit on my ass and just do nothing. I didn't feel empty i just felt in the moment almost. It was the calm before the storm. Because while I was watching the movie No Reservations I seemed to burst into a river of tears. I just broke down. I guess putting up that facade for the last 2 months started to crack on the surface. I just screamed out everything I was feeling and thinking. It was liberating actually. Thankfully I was home by myself. I started thinking about all these things that I need to let go of, especially one, The best friend. If someone cared about you they would be there for you. Right? I went on a rant of how much he means to me and how disappointed I am in him. Well i tried to let this go after all the snot and tears. Then soon after that I didn't know what else to do. I just sat around, hoping, wishing, and waiting that some miracle would happen. Something, anything. But there was nothing. No text from him. Was a disappointed? yes. Anyone would be at this point. Once you wait for someone to do something and they do nothing its a major let down. Eventually I returned to my facade. I have one for every occasion. Today it was an emotionless one. Then I decided to be somewhat productive and make a list of things I need to get done right away. While doing that I decided to text some people because I was bored. I texted my best girlfriend, Jennie, a guy who i should be texting, The player, and The best friend. 

Oh the player. I grew up with this boy. He had a crush on me since we laid eyes on each other. Love at first sight? no. I've been looking for love since I started pre-school. No joke. This one time I had this ring my mom go time for my birthday, and I had a crush on one of the boys that I went up to him and told him that if he was my boyfriend he could have the ring. He took the ring, but then gave it to this other girl named Sydney. I don't remember his name but I do remember hers. This constant rejection seemed to be a reoccurring incident. Rejection I have never taken well. But I've just learned to cope with it a lot better. Anyways The player, well he's slept with almost every girl he's ever met. He had a troubling childhood. Mother an abusive, home-wrecking alcoholic that cheated on their father. And he, well he went to Juvi for a while, was in a military school, tried to rape a babysitter, and did some various drugs. I haven't talked to him for at least a year. So i decided that in order to get over my best friend I need to go out with this "bad boy." Will it work? who knows. Then my best friend who I will name Vic for the sake of anonymity, i texted him a while ago, almost an hour ago actually. He hasn't responded. Why don't I just call him? No, not a good idea because I'll seem like a desperate girl seeking attention. Yes i do overanalyze everything, but I'm a woman and thats what we do. 

My friend Eugene told me just now that I can do better. That a man like this in my life is simply holding me back from everything I could be doing, sound familiar? But how do I move on if I have no closure? No explanation as to why he just decided to stop talking to me. Who knows. But for now all I can do is just keep moving forward. No more steps backward. When in doubt, confusion, or frustration move forward!