Where it all began

A blog, something that i am not familiar with in the least bit. I was told today that I should start a blog, so i decided hey why not, what have I got to lose right? And here I am and 18 year old girl wondering what to write. Lets start from the beginning. I was born in Irvine, California. I started off as a happy go lucky girl, with a bright smile and a love for anything creative. Straight A student through out elementary school( but lets face it, thats when none of your education even counts) Then middle school is when it took a turn for the worse. And my parents were scared, like any other parent would be when your child starts listening to Marilyn Manson at age 12. And started to go through that inevitable "dark stage" of life. my closet was black, no color anywhere. My CDs consisted of band such as Garbage, Nirvana, Marilyn Manson, and Korn.  Why? How? When? all questions my parents decided to ask the various psychologists and doctors. This is where it all began. 

I was raped as a child. Of course, when you're 8 years old you have no clue what is going on. I had severe depression, mono, and hallucinations. I thought I could see ghosts or "dead people." When I was 13 these tendencies worsened. I attempted suicide. But of course I didn't succeed or how else would I be writing all this. My grandmother found me. Not the most ideal situation. Eventually I was put on antidepressants and became better I was happy again my life picked back up. Then I started high school. and everything changed. I realized many things. I wanted to "fit in" so I then started to life to various girls about how "charmed" my life was. Reality was, my father was abusing me at home verbally and physically from time to time, but mostly verbally. I was a damaged child, trying to make up many ways of how much better my life was. I wanted attention because of the lack of attention I got at home. I mean what 15 year old doesn't seek for attention because of a lack of self confidence blah blah blah. Then my self confidence was picked up when I met a boy, one who severely changed the way I looked at myself. I felt loved, for the first time in my life. It was overwhelming. I was happy all the time, something that I wasn't familiar with in any way. I was turning 16 in a month. things were picking up dramatically. I was changing. My life felt better. I wanted to wake up every morning. I suddenly had a reason to go to school. But at my 16th birthday party it fell apart again. He announced to everyone that he was my boyfriend and said that he loved me. Now normally this would be ideal for a girl at this age. But, because I am Indian (India), my community saw me suddenly as a "slut" or "loose" My family was shocked that I even had one to begin with. I was devastated because this meant that I had to dump him. 

Then that summer before my junior year of high school, I went to Cambridge, England. I took some courses there, made a lot of friends, and of course drank. It was something of a release for me. I felt so much pain. Alcohol was my way of coping. All these people around me showed me what it was like to be free, without parents who fought everyday, without a father who I could never please, away from all the pain at home. I loved every moment of it. it lasted a month. Then it was back home. i was a different person. More confident, happy, and carefree. But my habit in England carried on with me. I became an alcoholic. I started combining the alcohol with sleeping pills and my old antidepressants. And once those ran out I had no other way to cope. One of my best friends who lived near me wold always help me through every situation that i had been going through at home. I hated being at home. Home was hell to me. To a normal on-looker, you could say my life is amazing because I have all the material needs in my life. A mac for a computer, nice cars, nice clothes etc. But all these materials cant compensate for all the pain I feel. All the addictions I have, all the horrible things that have happened. They judge me by my dad's credit card not by the fact that he is an alcoholic. He understood me. One day I went over to his house, and I found him, dead. Blood everywhere. He had slit his wrists. I was in shock. I started many drugs. Heroine, Coke, Weed, smoking, and yes more booze. My parents didn't know anything about this. They still don't to this day. I hid everything from them very well. I started to lose weight without trying, then i gained weight without trying. I was a mess. 

I needed help. So I went to a friend. A boy who I went to school with for a while but never talked to. It took one accidental Instant Message to him. And our friendship began. I sent him something I meant to send to my cousin. telling him the entirety of my life and habits. He was shocked. How does a 16 year old boy even react to that. But I quit all these things on my own. One of my friends helped me through it. I was returning to normalcy. I started talking to this boy and because I developed a crush for him I felt attached to him. But then I discovered that he had a girl friend. Basically I've been in love with my best friend for 2 years now. This story will be explained later. But I guess I should wrap this up. My fingers are hurting. Throughout my junior year i had to get over drug addictions and mental problems. I then discovered that I had a step brother. That no one told me about. He was there for me through everything. I had decided to go and live with him and runaway from my home. All the pain. It was planned for june 13th 2008. But Prom night I found out that he had killed himself. No clue as to why. He had a wife, so I was going to go stay with her. So I waited with my bags at the door looking for her car. Looking for any sign, checked my phone. 3 hours late. Traffic? No. Turns out an emergency came up. I didn't hear from her for 2 months. I didn't know what to do. I was so close to an escape. To some sort of out. But I was left all alone. Again. Then because I was so depressed I developed agoraphobia. A fear of going outside. I had many different panic attacks. I had no clue how to deal with ALL of this pain. So my mother finally noticed that there was something wrong with me. So I got help. 

Came back senior year, a new me. I felt better. I was applying to colleges and such and well senior year seemed to go by pretty damn quick. The beginning of senior year was great. But then I lost yet another friend, my step brothers wife died in a car accident, my parents relationship was falling apart, my father went to jail for hitting my mother, rumors were spread about me at school that I was a liar about my entire life all because I told one girl who opened her mouth, I am still in love with my best friend, my panic attacks came back so I started smoking again, and my mother has lupus. All these things have happened. But I quickly have turned around and I am starting to pick up my life again. I quit smoking, I am trying to deal with these various things that have happened in my life. 

Time heals all wounds. Thats not the full story mind you, but thats most of it in short. Don't worry this blog isn't going to be this depressing hah. I promise you. So now it's just going to me sharing with all of you my recovery process, my life, my advice, words of wisdom, thoughts, and my way of moving forward. So I encourage you to follow me throughout my eventful life. Because all that was just the beginning. I am going off to college in the fall and I am excited about my new life that is going to happen. Stick around, I'll take you on my journey. Learn from it. Thats all we can really do. So to all of you who can relate in some way, I'm sure that what I have to say from now on, will help you.