Baby Steps..

Moving forward one step at a time. On any other normal day I would be depressed and groggy and would wallow in self pity. I mean there are those days where I have an amazing amount of fun, going to disney land, going to a party or hanging out with friends. I have to admit my summer started off on a weak start for a senior about to go into college. But These past two days I have managed to turn it completely around. I started off with working out everyday. I=By doing this i hoped to get those awesome endorphins and such. But nope nothing. I was simply some emotionless robot on autopilot just trying to go day to day without falling apart. I mean I haven't exactly grieved over anything that has happened in my life. Thats obviously not healthy. Kind of like constipation, but emotionally. This reminded me of that movie Running with scissors where one of the characters said that she just felt stuck. Thats how I felt the first 3 weeks of summer. I mean I was losing weight, toning up and getting better physical endurance but I didn't feel any better. But recently I've decided to just let go. To forget my past because its my past. To somehow use it to make other peoples' lives way better. I mean I have no followers right now. But someone will connect to this... hopefully hah. 

So yes I am moving forward, because where else do you go? You cant be in "park" your entire life while the rest of the people around you are in "drive" and getting to where they want to be in life. If your stopped, life doesn't stop with you it keeps going. So i said screw the self pitying and of how much my life sucks etc. My life will get better. I have so much more in life awaiting me so why not get back up on my two feet start the damn engine and put this car of mine in drive, because who knows what lies ahead. 

Today I went to this college social gathering where there were many other freshman in California meeting. i was so nervous. I tried various ways to calm myself down such as: meditation, music, and exercising. These were all simply temporary. As soon as I got into my car my nerves went through the roof. As I walked through the 92 degree weather outside, I saw some girls who were about my age. We talked and got to know each other it was one of those random "hey lets get to know each other because we are both lost." Lets face it, those friendships never last. You only do that because you feel lonely and lost and need someone to talk to because you are lost too. But it got better. I met a couple more people when I got into this hall place.. with air conditioning! When I walked in I was on autopilot. I was lost inside my head, almost self narrating what I need to do next. I was like a little kid who was lost in some sort theme park where these people with purple shirts and name tags escorted me to this table full of pens and clipboards. As I awoke from this zombie like state I noticed that all the girl there looked... normal. You now how usually you have this perception of how college girls look? Well these girl looked real. Not like the show Greek where every girl has a perfect body, hair, clothing, teeth, etc. I felt comfortable very fast. I mean I'm not cocky or arrogant, obviously because I have had major self image issues. But I felt better about myself all of a sudden. I felt.. pretty. I looked around me and I noticed, wait a second I'm better looking than every girl here. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to be mean. I was just in shock almost. But then those self doubts kicked in again. Until I saw him. A very familiar face. 

i had toured the school a month ago, and I saw this tall, lanky but not too skinny, redheaded, blue-eyed boy. I thought that he was dreamy. In fact I thought that I was n something to be seeing someone that good looking. But the fact that I saw him again, was amazing. He came up to me and the 3 other girls I was around and my mother and introduced himself to me and my friends. My first comment was "Wow you're really tall." Where that came from who knows. When I'm nervous I have no filter. He gave me a sort of confused look and then smiled. And I attempted to explain myself but then I just stopped haha. Like every girl does at a moment like that. And he told me that I looked familiar. And I'm thinking, how does he remember me? Why does he keep looking at me for? Is there something on my face? What is he even talking about? But then he left, and he stared right at me, and told me that if I had any questions to ask him. I don't remember his name mind you but hey I'll definitely see him again :] 

As my adventure continued I met this other boy in the bookstore at the college in line. Turns out we were both rival schools. He playfully said to me " We cant be friends anymore" I think it'll be funny because I have a feeling we are going to become best friends. The two rivals. haha. I mean he wasn't drop dead gorgeous but there was something genuine about him. I wasn't too nervous around him either. So friends it is. Who knows. When I got into the car and made my way back home I had a huge smile on my face because, here is the girl who was never popular in high school, the girl who no one asked out. The wallflower. And after that experience, I'm going to absolutely LOVE college. I just watched true blood by the way.. ITS AMAZING. I'm exhausted and its only 7:30. Now I have to go find something to do...