Fallen Again

Its been a while since I have come on here. I regret this. But there have been many new changes in my life recently that I should probably update who ever seems to be following this blog. My life has once again been lost through the tubes. I have lost everything. Literally. Except this time, its worse. This time I have absolutely no one to help me turn around. No one to tell me everything is going to be okay. No one to hold me and comfort me in my time of despair, pain, and hopelessness. All my friends, are gone. They have all moved on. And why wouldn't they? We all move on in our lives. We all find something new and great that gets us headed in a different direction. I had this for a while, but then the last two weeks have just been filled with pain. Endless pain.

I can honestly say that for once I have no idea what to do, where to go, what to say or how to live. I have thought of ending my life soon, but what would my tattoo mean? It would have been for nothing. All that shit I went through after I got it. I have just let my life fall away into pieces, and decided to just let it slip away. And now I am paying for it. My parents are getting divorced, my mother is cheating on my father with a younger man, my father is having major healthy issues and almost went to the hospital yesterday morning, I have literally been abandoned by the people in my life who I thought would stay forever, my best friend who is like a sister to me is basically dieing, my grade in one class is suffering, my future seems to look more and more bleak every time I wake up every morning, and last but not least I am lonely and I have been heartbroken 3 times this week. All these feelings all this pain seems to never end. Just when I thought my life was picking up it drops again. But farther each time. The higher I seem to go the lower I seem to fall. Why? I do not deserve this. At all. Yes I have done somethings in my life that I deeply regret, but why am I paying for it now? I thought I already did. I have no idea why these things are happening to me.

My life is just spinning around and around. I was supposed to spend this holiday re-building myself but it doesn't seem to be very successful thus far. Tomorrow I am going to start working out again, and getting my diet and exercise regime back on track, so hopefully maybe everything will fall back into place. I am going to try my best to figure everything out. But as for now in this moment, this night, I feel hopeless and angry. I will find a way. Hopefully.

College=Highschool?

College has officially started. The day that all 18 year olds go out on their own and lead their own lives. They are so excited to finally get their wings and leave the nest! Who wouldn't be? Well yours truly. I was very excited about leaving for college. Meeting all the new people, being who i want to be and doing anything i want. i wanted to leave home so badly. But on the way here with my best friend in the car, i was shaking. My driving skills definitely suffered. I was nervous beyond belief. My nerves were shot and I just had uncontrollable breathing. It was so odd. i was confused as to why the hell I was dreading this day this moment, and how I could be so damn emotional when I am going to the best part of my life! Eventually I got over it. But then I was emotional as hell. I wanted to cry every moment that I had. Did I cry? no. I have tried to open up to a couple girls but then again i don't know how they think I am coming off as. What if they say holy crap she's really fucking depressing. i mean i would expect guys to be all over me or whatever, like everyone said! But no. they weren't. I have no clue why. i don't really care anymore to be honest. i was all depressed and it got me no where at all. Instead I am becoming the inevitable sidekick or the chick that just follows people around. And i hate that. I don't want to be that. i want to be the leader or at least a fucking equal. But i am so paranoid all the time with what people think of me and how they perceive me or will perceive me. I am so shallow as well, I am insulting my roommate who is a very good person at heart God bless her soul, but we just do not get along that well. We have nothing in common really. i am more laid back where as she has no filter and is very rambunctious and loud. I mean as far as guys hah. There are 2. One is in my advisor group and I think he liked me until he saw my tattoo... FUCK. Whatever he can just be a good friend hopefully. But then at this dance thing/ social event there was this black guy and a white guy. The white guy was HOT. He's not too tall either! I think he likes me. He was watching me dance all night and stuff. And he put his arm around me too haha. He makes fun of my quirks and silliness and stuff. But then again I don't know. haha. i mean I think that most freshman guys are looking for a piece of ass the first week or so, hopefully I am not that. Which i think is the reason why no one is really going for me. i guess the older guys will be better when they get here. Because they seem to have their heads put on right. But I am definitely joining a society. I feel so unpopular. It's like fucking high school! SO DUMB. I refuse to be the fucking geeky or antisocial chick who just follows people around. Maybe when I go to a party it will really kick off. Whatever. I mean I have a whole year ahead of me so we'll see what happens. 

Media-less Beautiful People

wow. Its been a while since I've blogged. Well basically i went to the Galapagos for 10 days. No internet, no TV, no phone. It was amazing. I was probably very relaxed because I didn't have to deal with the outside world. I have so much to update you on. When I went away I had friends already leaving to go off to college. When I came back I had people leaving. It was a little odd for me to process. Usually when friends leave you, you would get very emotional because there's a chance that you may never see them again. People change, people move on. Life happens. But for me, I didn't exactly care. Strange. I thought I would be a mess. There were so many question going through my mind. One of them being Will this hit me later? Will it all rush at me with a ball of emotion? To be honest, I hope not. But now as the time for the next chapter in my life soon begins, its all becoming a little surreal. It seems like its all going so slow, yet very fast. All the time has wasted away. I mean friends will come and go, but I am not upset that people that I considered "close"  friends are gone. In fact its more of a relief, yet at the same time I feel incredibly bored. I was so used to living this life with friends that I didn't really connect with, that I was bored. I lied to so many of them to make myself appear better than them. So really they weren't exactly real friends. I only have one real friend, but I seemed to lie to her as well. So when I look back at everything I stop and think, Did I really have an honest relationship with anyone other than my family? It's heart breaking but I don't think I have. I have to say I am so scared that when college comes around and I start making friends, will I do the same thing? If so then what? Luckily with my roommate I haven't lied to her at all. Maybe this is the start of me becoming a better person and finally having an honest relationship. For people to like me as I am and not who I hope I am, or who I wish I was. 

I see all these pictures from various past friends of how their lives in college have already started out as. I see them making all these friends. I see them all happy. And I hope inside that I am that way. That I finally meet that guy. That I make friends with beautiful people inside and out. As shallow as I may sound, I want to meet that amazingly hot guy and finally have the pretty girl and the cute boy be together. I don't want to settle for less just because I am so lonely, or so desperate for friendships. I see these girls with friends who are amazingly good-looking. And sometimes I wonder, why didn't that happen to me? Is it because God decided to curse me with the average life because I lied all the time? I secretly hope I live the good life for once. But then again who's to say that i wont... I have no idea what I am saying. But basically I have all these fears and doubts inside all the time about what college will or will not be like. Expectations? I don't know if they are? Is it because the media puts college to be this place where everyone looks perfect and people are always partying? I don't know. I am frustrated, scared, excited, nervous, and all these preconceived notions of what it may be like are getting to me. LEarn from my odd thought process and even though I will be sounding completely hypocritical, don't expect anything. Just live in the moment and go with the flow with whatever life throws at you. 

Forgetting Isn't Meant to Be.

So I actually neglected my Blog for a VERY VERY long time. I know its sad. I have just become very busy. Nothing severely interesting has happened really. I mean I have finally gotten over my best friend. About damn time if you ask anyone close to me. I have finally gotten over my dreaded bikini fear. I think I am in the best shape that I have ever been in my entire life. My endurance and such are incredible. My health is getting way better which is great. And oh that oh so horrible love situation. Well, I guess I will share this tid bit then. I met this guy when I was 13 at my cousins 13th birthday party. His name is Joe. He was there for me basically to pick me up, after I was rejected by a very very cute guy. He made sure that I was having fun and such. Well I saw him a year ago during my grandparents anniversary party. He turned absolutely gorgeous. I mean we never kept in touch really. So seeing him was interesting. He ended up going for my sister, this made me rather angry mostly because we had a thing a while ago. Did I except him to remember, eh not really. But it would have been great if he did. Apparently I was too old for him because I was turning 18 soon. Well I saw him last weekend and well, it was painful. I was nervous I was thinking a million things at once wondering if he remembers me still, what he thinks of me now after losing a lot of weight things to that extent. But when my aunt said to him, "Have you met my niece? " he simply said and looked at my coldly, "Ya I think I remember you." Ouch. You only almost dated my sister you pervert. This boy was gorgeous. So I decided to maybe go for him. Yes I am going to college soon so what's the point right? He's going all the way to Arizona and I am staying in California. It would be dumb to start anything. Usually I am used to men flirting with me and such, (well thats what other people observe) But now that I have some sort of confidence level I was expecting him to do something. But he barely talked to me. If he did talk to me it was either indirectly or just a quick phrase. Stupid. You think to yourself, what the hell is wrong with me?? I mean there could be nothing wrong with me, at all. Then he came back to my cousins house where I was staying the night, and he kept showing off in front of me. I mean come one! The guy was trying to do something. As to what I have no idea. I mean he gave me this glance at one point in the night that was very seductive. Then about a week later I was in San Diego with some girl friends, drinking and such, and I started drunk texting my cousin Rob who is best friends with Joe. And Apparently, Joe and I have both had troubling pasts abd we both had drug addiction. Essentially we were the same person. I mean I as like YES maybe there is something between us. Maybe something is supposed to happen to us. But then again who knows. So when I went to my cousins place the next weekend I was expecting Joe to be there. I was expecting something for my cousin to follow through on. But nothing. And when Rob asked Joe if he remembers me he said that he has a bad memory. And when Rob asked him what he thought of me he said "I think that she's your cousin." I mean is that confusing or what?? Then LAst night I get a text from Rob saying, Joe is here at my house. I was severely confused. what the hell is that supposed to mean. Odd. I mean I get attached to people I barely even know. I hate it. Its dumb, its setting my up for disappointment, and it makes me upset and doubt myself. I hate being self conscious. I mean my self confidence was shattered the last week. it was hard. I am slowly trying to pick up the pieces I have left before I go to college. I was really struggling. I felt alone again. I felt distant

and antisocial, sound familiar? Yes I had depression again. DEar Lord it never ceases it seems. I hate it. I seem to be okay when there are other people around me. But then When I am by myself I fall to pieces. And sometimes I fall to pieces inside my head even when people are around. It sucks to be honest. I really do not like it. But what can you do right? But try and distract yourself as much as possible. no matter who or what you try and get over, it all takes time. There is no magic spell, or vitamin, or medication, or hypnotist that can make you forget about people. We meet these people for a reason. We either have futures with these people or not for a reason, why? Because whatever is meant to me will always workout, and will be... easy. EAsier said than done though. 

Self Love.

Self Love. Something that very many people have yet to discover, including me. Once you love yourself, people will start to love you. I always used to think that others needed to see me as a certain way, for example beautiful, in order to see myself that way. But we shouldn't live our lives for others. We should do the things we do for ourselves. It's okay to be selfish every now and then. In fact when it comes to the way you see yourself you need to be selfish. You have to make sure that you know that you are great, that you are beautiful, and talented, and amazing. If you don't see yourself that way then no one else will see you this way. i found something on the internet. 7 days to self love. They are a list of ways to improve the way you see yourself. When you work out don;t do it to shut up your spouse because they are calling you fat. Don;t do it because you want to look better than that anorexic model you live next to. do it because when you look in the mirror every morning you feel good about yourself and you know in your heart that you are beautiful inside and out. Quit smoking for yourself. Stop drinking for yourself. Go out and look good for yourself. Put on make up for yourself, not to impress guys but to show yourself just how good you can look. I mean I haven't exactly practiced self love in a while. But for the next 7 days I will be doing this 7 day self love trial on this website:http://www.yogaprasad.in/blog/7-days-to-self-love/#more-406 and I will be blogging about how I feel about myself each day and if it works. But I wont stop the 7 day trial of self love, no I will continue it. I'll just be blogging about it. I also will be blogging about meditation and how much better I feel about myself afterwards. I feel anxious all the time, I am constantly worried or paranoid about what people think about me or perceive me. So for the next 7 days get ready to love yourself! 

Hypocritical crankiness

Wow its been a while since I've been on here. But life got in the way of that. Well my insomnia may be back which sucks. I am a hopelessly devoted person to a best friend who hasn't exactly been there for me. I mean what is a best friend? Really? It's someone who is always there for you right? Do I have that right now? no I do not. But quite honestly the lack of sleep that I have gotten because I saw the Harry Potter premiere at 12 am, and then ti-pied a persons house and then stayed up for 35 hours, has made me realize some things. Weird huh. The people who we sometimes think are so close to us and mean a great deal to us, really may not be that at all. We all want to feel loved, wanted, secure, and accepted. But when does that acceptance go to far? I'll tell you. When you have attached yourself to someone who you can open up to and understands you, you want to assume that they are suddenly someone you can trust and someone who is your friend. The more you open up to them and the more you talk to them and help them through their issues they close you get. The more this happens and the more you can relate to each other the deeper and more intimate your relationship becomes until you are established as best friends. However there are people who use this same routine and get you close to them but then abandon you and stop talk to you immediately. These people are users. Then there are the hypocritical people. Who tell you how much you mean to them etc. but then act a completely different way like ignoring you, your texts, or just don't even check up on you when you haven't spoken in a while. 

i have both issues but my bigger issue is the one with the hypocrite. I have officially gone numb. Do I hate my entire life? No. Do I hate a few parts right now? Yes. We all have something going on in our lives. And for some odd reason it's take me lack of sleep and watching big brother episodes online for me to realize how messed I am inside mentally right now. And I need someone to talk to about it. I need to get out how I feel right now. I feel like a screaming person inside me is on mute so that no one can hear it. My inner screams are loud. There's so much I want to say but no opportunity to get them the hell out. And I am trying to get them out so I can be as happy as I can possibly be. I am very frustrated and agitated. At a certain point you feel like breaking apart and hitting someone. I feel soo irritable that I want to hurt someone's feelings. But that would be horrible of course. I think that I should probably sleep now. A part of me wants these feelings of lack of in my case to go away but another part for it to stay so I can crack it open and deal with them. All I need is a friend. An honest friend who will actually listen to me, say things to me and mean them, do what they say they're going to do, and who will pick me up when I am down. I haven't found that yet. But I hope I do fairly soon before I lose my cool. 

Real friends don't cause Hot-Flashes

The day is over now. I have so many questions still unanswered. Still searching. Do we ever really stop searching? I spent the day with the man that I have hopelessly been in love with for the past two years. It was awkward, fun, nerve wracking, and breathtaking. I was supposed to go in having a plan, but as soon as I saw him i was dizzy, i was sweating, I got hot-flashes, I was nervous, I couldn't even think. We got lunch and sat down to talk, but my plan simply disintegrated within seconds of talking to him. What's going on? I asked myself. Why aren't you the smooth talker that you usually are? Where are all your usual witty and comical remarks? They vanished. I was stripped bare almost. I simply spoke whatever was in my mind I had no filter. What ever question or quirky remark I would usually say in my head I blurted out. What the hell?! I was supposed to tell him how much it hurt me that I had attempted to connect with him about a month ago twice and he decided not to respond at all in any way what so ever. Oh but no, i fell for his gorgeous blue eyes and his stupid charisma. I saw him today and I told him I was great that I am just fine, that my life is picking up. When the truth is, I have never felt so damn empty in my entire life. Yes high school is over, woohoo, and yes I am going to be going to college pretty soon and my life is going to be great. But I haven't exactly told anyone how I feel right now or what I've been trying to deal with for the last month. It's all  locked inside my safe. The one that no one can seem to crack in real life. It's fricking necessary for me to open up to someone at this point. I've been emotionless with this huge ass facade on my face telling and showing the world just how okay I am, when I'm not. I mean thinking now as to why I'm upset I can't exactly think of all these things but only how they make me feel and how i feel and all these things I've discovered. Today I was stranded at his house with no ride home. I had to ask for a ride home from my trainer who comes to my home to train me/ is my psychologist from time to time. None of my other friends wanted to. It wasn't important enough for them to listen to me. Where as if I had suddenly been abducted and beaten and was left on the side of the road, then yes all of them would have responded, "yes omg where are you? Are you okay?" I realized that I have no real friends. thats fucking sad. Yes I have cussed for the first time on this blog. But you know what this is ridiculous. Your real friends will be there no matter what for you. Your real friends will be there for yo no matter what. Your real friends would at least make some damn effort to make sure your okay. Even trying would be good! Even calling to make sure you still have a ride would be great! So do me a favor everyone, think very very hard, and ask yourself Would any of my friends that I have now do any of the above things for me? If not, then I suggest you start letting go of some excess weight.